am i dead to u
jus cause i culdnt do
everything u ever wanted me too?
r u that disapointed in me?
cause thats all i can see
and all those things i culdnt be.
i culdnt be ur shining star,
cuz i culd never get that far,
or ever reach that bar;
the one u had set so high.
all i guess i did was get by.
but now i cant even try.
it's like every goal was crushed
cuz i culdnt do things while rushed.
and now my tears u want hushed.
i guess u cant stand the sound.
jus know im beat to the ground
and i feel like ive totally drowned.

aj and i have been talking sooo much lately. cause herlein likes me, but he wont ask me out. i want to say it's frustrating. but. i dont know. i like him enough to not give up and im willing to wiat, but it's still hard. so. that's the biggest update i guess.

wow. three. what the crap. whew.

forget about guys...they've become the least of my problems. im trying to move out of my house. i need help finding a place to re locate and also a job. i no longer have a car or cell phone either...but i guess those come after being able to get a job. im i a ditch and need as much help and advice as possible. eek!

so my profile pic....that's a picture of me and my boyfriend jeff. we've been going out for about...two weeks. feels like forever though. he's 20. my mom actually approves of him. there's just so much about him that i love. i'm comfortable around him and can just see myself spending like...the rest of my life with him. and it's funny that he feels that connection too. the major DILEMA. his name is..... michael. yup. so the problem is. i love jeff. but before jeff i liked herlein for about three or four months. i never told herlein cause i was afraid. so i told myself id move on. and i thot that being with jeff wuld move me along. and it kinda did. cause i am really happy. but in the back of my head is...what about herlein? what if i gave it a chance? and so last night i was with my boyfriend and other people...including herlein. jeff hates herlein cause he thinks ima cheat on him with herlein. so that's not good. but today, while i was having a down day, all i wanted to do was be with herlein. great, huh? i dont really know what to do. i already to herlein that i like him, but im not going to leave jeff for him. i already told myself that if the relationship is going to end it's gonna be because jeff fucked it up or jeff wanted to end it. so, we'll see. i guess i'll just wait around and see about everything....below is herlein and me at the awards thing.

so my parents are out of town. so of course i get durnk. and of course my bf is over. along with other people. but seriously. jeff and i have talked about marriage and babies and yea. i seriously can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. i culd see myself moving in with him. and jsut being happy. I'M ALSO FUCKING DRUNK RITE NOW. which i really shuldnt be doing cause i have school tomorrow along with a fucking hella big project. out.

okay. here's the new one.

Name: Jeff

Age: 20

Location: Fremont

Interests: Dirt Bikes, Trucks, Laughs, Fun Free Times

Smokes: Anything

Drinks: Everything. (loves Fiji water. haha)

Reason why I've fallen for him: He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel safe, hes different and crazy and i love it. yea, i lover him and it drives me crazy. a lil scared but mostly happy. YAY!

i liked a guy. and i thot he liked me. flirting and all that shit. well. after pretending to be my friend and all...turns out...HE'S FUCKING RACIST. what the hell kinda crap is that? bullshit. i fucking hate being asian. damn it. pecola wanted the bluest eyes...well damn it i want white skin with bigger eyes that dont squint asian like. I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF RITE NOW. actually ive been pissed off for two days now about this. ugh.

im not use to having a guy like me like robert does. he always want to be with me or talkin to me or holdin me. hes always sayin i love u and how much i mean to him and how perfect we are for eachother. he thinks we're gonna last really long. like...we're really really ment for eachother. is it a bad thing that i dont agree? i mean...im use to a relationship where the guy is a fuck ass to me or cheats on me or is going to hurt me big time. in past relationships i havent spent time with the guy or spent time talkin to him. i talk to robert everyday. and have ya seen how many myspace comments we leave eachother? yea. ive also already met his family. his dad loves me and is so glad that robert has found me and hopes we last. ugh. i love robert. i really do. but i think it sucks that im already wanting to back out of the relationship just because he cares for me so much. my policy is to stick with them for at least a week before i consider dumping the guy. cause like...maybe in the period of a week ill end up really lovin the guy and wantin to stay with him. we'll see in five more days how i feel. i mean. i do really love him. and damn it i do deserve a guy thatll treat me rite like he does. but. im so fucking not use to it. he wuld never yell at me or hit me. but thats what im comfortable with. bad, isnt it? well. hm. i love him so much but dont show it. and he loves me sooo much, and shows it, and i dont know how to respond or react. UGH. but i do love him...hmmm...damn it. i love him. i hope this works.

ive known robert ever since kindergarden. we both liked eachother....but it was fricken elementary school. we showed it by him bullying me and me chasing him around the playground. haha. we've changed sooo much...or actually...not really. girls still have cooties and boys are still disgusting. haha. but yea. today i had dinner at his dads house. i met his dad, dads gf, grandma, aunt, uncle, and dog. good thing his family likes me and i like his family. after dinner we were laying in his bed and he asked me to be his gf. i said yes. so now i have a boyfriend. now i have to remember the 17th cause it's the anniversary date. freaky, huh. me...dating...having a boyfriend. it's so strange...but i love it. and i love him. and he loves me. and we're a happy family....with a great big huh. haha. noooow i just have to warm him up to my parents.....impossible. oh well. im in a relationship. WOW. haha.

once there was this girl....

the beat of insanity that just pulses thru her veins
the pain that rushes through like when it rains
the angry voice of disappointed sighs
the shameful look of eyes that shine with lies
the struggle of defeat every time she tries
this girl has given up on the last bit of hope
this girl has finally run out of her end of the rope

what comes up must come down

i hate coming home to something broken and impossible to fix. one of these days im going to leave and never come back.

THE END.

post script. thank god for alcohol.

But I'd Die Without You
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Blog for Zeeyad

i know it's happened in the past...but this is the worst shape i've ever been in when i turned to u. maybe it's cause i had just gotten out of rehersals and was dead beat tired. or maybe it's cause my hair was a mess and my clothes were frumpy. or maybe it was because my eyes were red and tears were streaming down my face. well...no matter how i came to you...i left differently. you sat me on the front porch and you dried my tears with ur sleeve. u held me close and held on tight and did all you could to comfort me. u told me there was nothing wrong with me and that some people are just inconsiderate and stupid. u took me inside to wash my face. u even let me use ur towel. haha. then we just sat in ur bed. my tears were gone, but u culd tell i was still a lil on the sad side. i watched breakfast club for the first time. u deciphered the censored lines for me. i love watching movies with u cause we both add side commentary. haha. u let me rant and rave about hustle eventho u really had no idea what i was trying to babble about. we sat outside as u had a smoke and we laughed about ur creepy neighbor who plays with his lights and peeks out at the world. we came to the conclusion that he was just old and grumpy. and then u told me u culdnt wait to be old cause then that culd be ur excuse for being grumpy. haha. we went back inside and we started to watch bruce almighty. we laid there close and i plucked out ur stomach hair. hahahaha. then came the tickling wars. i loooooove when i tickle u and u laugh ur goofy laugh. haha. i laugh just thinking about it. hahahaha. haha. haha. ha. we just laid there, so peaceful, with my head on ur cheast and my right hand over ur heart. my left hand was over my heart and i felt our hearts beat as one. it was perfect. lying there was just perfect. u went out for another smoke. u gave me ur sweater to keep me warm. then u took my car for a spin. we got lost for about...15 mintues. haha. DIP, STOP, BUMP, DIIIIIP. lots of laughs. it was great. then we went back to ur room and continued bruce almighty. u looked me in the eye and told me u were gonna stop drinking. i looked u right back in the eye and said it's not going to be easy. part of me didnt believe u....jus cause uve said it before and i know u talk a nice walk. but another part of me believes that this time around ull walk the walk. we'll see. i had to go pee. as i was washing my hands i looked into the mirror. i looked horrible. despite my wrecked appearance u still convinced me i was beautiful. i'd die without u. when i need shelter from the storm u always open the door. there have been rocky times between us...but like u said....some relationships are like that...it just takes work. and thru it all....all sixish years...i still love u. thank u. thank u for making me smile, laugh, and forget my pain. thank u for drying my tears and being there for me. like i said six months ago...it's the times like these that i live for. it doesnt matter what happens to me in life just as long as times like these are around. so who cares i was three hours late for curfew. it was worth it. every second was worth it...even when u elbowed me in the head. it hurt...but it still made me laugh. haha. this was good. this was great. ur great. okay...ill stop writing.

MONDAY, MARCH 13TH, 2006: 3-5 MUSIC
TUESDAY, MARCH 14TH, 2006: 1:45-3 TECH, 3-6 DANCE.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15TH, 2006: 3-5:30 ACT 1
THURSDAY, MARCH 16TH, 2006: 3-5 ACT 2, 7-9 MUSIC
FRIDAY, MARCH 17TH, 2006: 3-5 TECH. TBA REHERSALS
SATURDAY, MARCH 18TH, 2006: 10-1 MUSIC, 1-3 COSTUMES
SUNDAY, MARCH 19TH, 2006: **POSSIBLE FREE DAY**
MONDAY, MARCH 20TH, 2006: 3-5:30 RUN THRU
TUESDAY, MARCH 21ST, 2006: 3-5:30 RUN THRU
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22ND, 2006: 3-5:30 RUN THRU
THURSDAY, MARCH 23RD, 2006: 3-6 RUN THRU
FRIDAY, MARCY 24TH, 2006: 3-5 TECH
SATURDAY, MARCH 25TH, 2006: 10-4 FULL CAST
SUNDAY, MARCH 26TH, 2006: 12-6 FULL CAST
MONDAY, MARCH 27TH, 2006: 5-10 HELL WEEK
TUESDAY, MARCH 28TH, 2006, 5-10 HELL WEEK
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29TH, 2006: 5-10 HELL WEEK
THURSDAY, MARCH 30TH, 2006: 5-7:30 OPENING NIGHT. *BDAY*
FRIDAY, MARCH 31ST, 2006: 5:30-7:30 PERFORMANCE
SATURDAY, APRIL 1ST, 3:45- 8 DINNER THEATER
SUNDAY, APRIL 2ND, 1-4 STRIKE.

im still bent out of shape over yesterday. im like..what the hell. i let my guard down. cause i just dont go and do these things. i dont go over to guys houses and make memories with them. this kinda just kills me. cause. well. fuck. it wasnt suppose to happen. and it felt right eventho it was prob wrong. and i dunno if i regret it or not. but it wasnt me. it wasnt planned. it wasnt suppose to happen. and now im jus stuck and confused and dying. i have no idea how to analyze or conclude this. blah.

my mom is makin my head and heart ache. the colleges she assumes i cant possibly get into arent worth even looking at. gonzaga, drexel, and usc sent me stuff in the mail. without me even touchin the mail or makin comments my mom throws the stuff away. she says "oh ull never be able to get in anyway". and then shell see mail from like...de anza or foothill. shell leave that on the table and be like "oh thats more in range for u" WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MESSAGE IS THAT???" what the hell kind of feelin does that leave me with? shes my mother. shes suppose to be supportive. my parents are so not supportive. it's sad. i have to turn to friends and teachers for support that my family should be the ones to provide me with. im so hurt and so upset right now.

for the next part of whats been on my mind.

while i liked greg i also like calvin. things obviously didnt fly with greg...so i started to like calvin again. i was talkin to matt, one of calvins best friends, at the retreat for like an hour and a half. and he said he knows ive liked calvin ever since the day i met him. and its true. i really have liked calvin for a long time. matt and i talked for so long about so much and we kinda made a conenction. so i was like...hm maybe matt and i can have somethin special between us. and matt even talked about all the reasons why we shuld date. haha. it was funny. so i drove matt home last nite. not much happened. i jus kicked it with him for an hour. i dont wanna do anythin with matt cause i dont want calvin to hear drama and lies. matt said calvin wuldnt mind...but i know he wuld. anyway. today i was gonna hang with matt before he left for mandys. but instead i went to calvins for two hours. we watched part of nemo and fantastic four. and then stuff happened. everything i ever culda dreamed for. and no we didnt do it. it wasnt anything to do with any kind of sex. so people need to get their heads out of the gutter. haha. but for me kissing is a big thing. i wont kiss a guy. i cant bring myself to do it. ive made out with one guy before calvin. and thats cause i felt really special and different about the one guy. so the fact that i made out with calvin tells me something. it tells me that he is special and he is different too. but our school wuldnt allow it if we dated. i hate school.

i hate school, i hate parents, i hate drama, i hate stupid ass shit. god hates me too. and if he doesnt hate me....he just spites me all the time.

i hate the taste of beer....but hey...it's alcohol. so. yes. CHEERS to all. bottoms up!

post script....OH YES I SCREWED. life treats me good.

SumThang(11:24:07 PM): and this is living proof i dont hate u
rayduzfan(11:24:36 PM): i just feel that u hate me
rayduzfan (11:24:40 PM): :-/
SumThang (11:24:44 PM): iii dont hate u
SumThang (11:24:49 PM): i dunno y u feel that way
rayduzfan (11:24:56 PM): :-(
SumThang (11:25:08 PM): explain........
rayduzfan (11:25:52 PM): its hard to explain
rayduzfan11:26:05 PM): and i dont wanna be stupid and say dumb things
rayduzfan(11:26:13 PM): and ruin this great night for you
rayduzfan(11:26:20 PM): so im just gonna keep quiet
SumThang (11:27:11 PM): haha
SumThang(11:27:12 PM): well
SumThang (11:27:19 PM): my brother or dad culd die rite now
SumThang (11:27:23 PM): and id still be happy
SumThang(11:27:31 PM): so go ahead and be stupid and say dumb things
SumThang(11:27:34 PM): cause id rather tho
rayduzfan(11:28:58 PM): i dont
know....everythingisdifferentnowandthatissomethingthatidontwantulookatmedifferentlyanditkillsmeiguess
rayduzfan (11:29:06 PM): lol all together
SumThang(11:29:37 PM): hahaha
SumThang (11:29:39 PM): oh jeeze
SumThang(11:29:40 PM): haha
SumThang11:29:48 PM): so one of my myspace blogs that was written for u was written
SumThang(11:29:55 PM): like that
rayduzfan (11:31:03 PM): r u serious?
rayduzfan (11:31:04 PM): lol
rayduzfan(11:31:10 PM): how funny
SumThang(11:31:12 PM): well it was more complexly written
SumThang(11:31:23 PM): i put random letters between the words
SumThang(11:31:30 PM): so that no one wuld ever figure out
what i was saying
rayduzfan(11:31:31 PM): uh oh
rayduzfan(11:31:44 PM): i was going to go read it
SumThang (11:31:48 PM): haha
SumThang(11:31:51 PM): u wont understand what it says
rayduzfan (11:31:52 PM): but now i know im going to be confused
rayduzfan(11:31:54 PM): lol
SumThang (11:32:01 PM): the title is read between the lines
rayduzfan (11:32:26 PM): thats a beautiful dress
rayduzfan(11:33:05 PM): thers no blog titled read between the lines
SumThang(11:33:18 PM): there is too!
SumThang(11:33:19 PM): it's from
SumThang (11:33:46 PM): tues feb 28th
rayduzfan(11:35:17 PM): so things are different this time around
with u and him?
rayduzfan (11:35:34 PM): he made u smile?
SumThang(11:35:42 PM): yea
rayduzfan (11:35:50 PM): hmm..i think i want $20
SumThang(11:36:14 PM): i know
SumThang (11:36:15 PM): haha
SumThang(11:36:17 PM): ull get it
SumThang(11:36:21 PM): eventually
rayduzfan(11:37:34 PM): the only blogs that i see here are: Get
out and stay out, two way street, what to say about today, things get
out of hand no one will understand, and now that the day is over
SumThang11:37:46 PM): click view more blogs
rayduzfan (11:37:57 PM): where the hell is that
rayduzfan(11:38:04 PM): what the hell is that lol
SumThang (11:38:12 PM): view all blog entries
SumThang(11:38:13 PM): its under
rayduzfan (11:38:14 PM): man i really dont know my myspace things
SumThang (11:38:17 PM): now that the day is over
rayduzfan(11:38:20 PM): oh yes i see
SumThang(11:38:23 PM): haha
SumThang (11:38:24 PM): yes
rayduzfan(11:41:47 PM): no i cannot understand it
rayduzfan (11:41:54 PM): but im guessing its not nice
rayduzfan(11:42:01 PM): and im guessing that u hate me
rayduzfan (11:42:07 PM): lol
SumThang11:43:49 PM): haha
SumThang(11:43:54 PM): i says the opposit
SumThang (11:44:03 PM): it says
SumThang (11:44:29 PM): dont mistaken my pain for anger
SumThang(11:44:56 PM): and i wrote that BEFORE u started
saying i hated u
rayduzfan(11:47:13 PM): but im sure that u disliked me
SumThang(11:47:21 PM): nope
rayduzfan(11:47:56 PM): yeah im pretty sure
rayduzfan(11:48:25 PM): thewaythatulookatmehurtsnow
SumThang(11:48:29 PM): i didnt dislike u. i disliked the
situation and that i got so close
rayduzfan(11:48:36 PM): itseemslikeuputonafakesmile
SumThang (11:48:37 PM): i dont look at u now
SumThang (11:48:38 PM): thats the thing
rayduzfan(11:48:40 PM): andthatkillsme
SumThang (11:48:41 PM): i dont look at u
SumThang(11:48:45 PM): i avoid u
rayduzfan (11:48:56 PM): u look
SumThang (11:50:03 PM): i try and avoid it
rayduzfan(11:50:09 PM): when i see u, u put on this fake
acknowledging smile that i know i forced upon u
rayduzfan (11:50:17 PM): and it makes me feel terrible
SumThang(11:50:41 PM): well
SumThang(11:50:42 PM): i dont know
rayduzfan (11:51:09 PM): and now that u and whatever his name is
are getting closer im scared
SumThang (11:51:26 PM): zeeyad
rayduzfan(11:51:30 PM): i dont even know the guy
rayduzfan(11:51:34 PM): but i hate him
SumThang(11:51:43 PM): we'll u get to meet him march 30th
rayduzfan (11:52:02 PM): whats march 30th?
SumThang (11:52:34 PM): the musical
rayduzfan(11:52:53 PM): im gonna tell him something
SumThang(11:53:07 PM): what?
rayduzfan (11:53:16 PM): i will let him know that if he touches
you in a way to hurt you ever again i will kill him
rayduzfan(11:53:23 PM): and have no remorse for doing it
SumThang (11:53:42 PM): he wuld never phyiscally hurt me
rayduzfan(11:53:43 PM): even if u hate me, i'll never hurt you
SumThang(11:53:59 PM): and if he were to ever hurt me like emotionally
SumThang (11:54:05 PM): im already prepared for it
SumThang(11:54:08 PM): i know ill get hurt
SumThang (11:54:10 PM): i already know that
rayduzfan (11:54:32 PM): then why go for it?
SumThang (11:54:40 PM): because people get hurt in relationships
rayduzfan(11:54:49 PM): not 5 times
rayduzfan (11:55:01 PM): not 5 times
rayduzfan (11:55:09 PM): people learn and move on
rayduzfan (11:55:15 PM): not go back
SumThang(11:55:27 PM): ive learned from it
rayduzfan(11:55:31 PM): it hurts me to know that hes back
rayduzfan (11:55:35 PM): so u say
SumThang(11:55:38 PM): maybe not the nrmal thing that people
learn from things
SumThang(11:55:39 PM): but i learned that
SumThang (11:55:51 PM): if hes gonna go drink and get caught
and gets sent away
SumThang11:55:54 PM): then i have no conrtol over that
SumThang(11:56:03 PM): if he decides to go with his guy
friends and get into a physical fight
SumThang(11:56:08 PM): i cant prevent that
SumThang(11:56:43 PM): it's the things like that that he does
taht hurts me
SumThang (11:56:49 PM): but thats who he is
SumThang(11:56:56 PM): hes not gonna stop drinking
rayduzfan(11:57:16 PM): so ur in for a world of hurt
rayduzfan(11:57:26 PM): your are opening that door that u tried to close
rayduzfan (11:57:32 PM): ur walking into that world again
SumThang (11:57:40 PM): the thing is i can handle his crap
rayduzfan (11:57:42 PM): and its blinded u because he "apologized"
rayduzfan(11:57:48 PM): and said he changed
SumThang(11:57:56 PM): he didnt tell me he changed
SumThang(11:58:03 PM): i can see that hes changed
SumThang(11:59:13 PM): when zeeyad hurts me i get over it.
when other people hurt me i dont get over it.
SumThang(11:59:17 PM): thats the difference
SumThang(11:59:20 PM): i can handle him
SumThang(11:59:24 PM): thats what seven years does
rayduzfan(11:59:57 PM): i dont want to see u hurt
rayduzfan(12:00:00 AM): ever
rayduzfan (12:00:11 AM): and if he hurts u in any way i will
fucking kill him
SumThang(12:00:25 AM): then hes a dead man walking
rayduzfan (12:00:54 AM): i guess so

he's mad at me because "i messed things up"..."im the one making things so uncomfortable now". BULLSHIT. thats the biggest crap i ever heard. the way our relationship is now has nothing to do with what i did. he's the one that cheated on me. he's the one that decided to say stupid ass shit. he's the one that decided to lie to me. he's the one that is spending literally every second with a one night stand whore. none of that is my fault. the only thing that's my fault is the fact that i feel in love with him. the only thing that is my fault is the fact that i decided i still wanted to be friends. well fuck that. i dont want to be friends with a fucking shit head ass fucker like him. and yet he has the nerve to say he still cares about me. FUCKING BULLSHIT. this girl has moved on. she's moved on to the same guy that shes like for seven years. only difference is that for once he likes me in that special way too. im proud of him cause hes changed his life around so much. im happy. happy and without the ass fucker. and i thought life wouldnt move on. life is movin on jus fine without him. so he's left with his whore and bullshit. well i hope he's happy. and i hope she fucking breaks his heart. i am a firm believer in karma.

wanna hear something funny? greg apologized to me. we were talking. i was upset cause my mom told me im not allowed to go to graduation cause instead i have to go to philly with my dad. i dont fucking want to go to philly. there will always be trips to philly...there is only one class of 06 graduation. no fucking way am i gonna miss casey's grad. anyway. i told him i was going for a drive cause i was upset and wanted to let it all out. so im about to leave and he says wait. so i wait. and then he asks me if i hate him. i say no. it's true. i dont hate him. i love him. well okay i lied. i do hate him. rite now i do at least. and then he says im sorry if i hurt u. i dont say anything to this. i was gonna tell him im not hurt, or that im okay, or that hurt is life, or some shit like that to make him feel better. but why the hell should i make him feel better? i feel like shit and im crying. so if he feels bad...well then damn it he should. so i didnt say anything. so he say. u can go for your drive now. so i just left without saying anything. honest to god tho. what good is an apology? he doesnt care about me. all he really cares about is himself. life is full of shit. and full of shit faced people....like him. manuel apologized to me today too. i didnt respond to that either cause it was shit. he said stuff he shouldnt have. hes a fuck ass and i dont like him anyway. so hes not really "deserving" of my acceptence. and then zeeyad apologized to me too. but then he was just an ass again. whatever. guys are asses. they're all just like my deceased dad...whom i hate also. guys are scum. they're the shit on scum. damn it. fuck. piss. shit.