Melissa Blankenstein's MindSay Blog

Prayer on Kindling a Yahrzeit Lamp

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-05T09:05:05-05:00

i'm about two days late with this....oops. my unforgiving bad. *sigh* prayer for my dead jewish dad... eternal rock of ages... in hushed reverence, i kindle this memorial lamp in loving remembrance of my beloved on this anniversary of their death. we have been taught that human souls are thy candles. through them thou bringest light into the world. for the light of compassion and tenderness which my loved one brought into mmy life. i am everlastingly grateful. help me, oh g-d, to use the sacred memory of my loved one as a noble spur to consecrated living. may i perpetuate and transmit everything that was beautiful and lovely in their characer. keep firm my faith that we cannot go where yuo are not, and where you are all is well. amen. "Zecher tsaddik leevrachah" the memory of the upright is a source of blessing.

the rest of your life

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-06T07:05:20-05:00

so there are things that happen in life that can change the rest of your life. i have a friend who had sex before marriage. he's christian. he met this amazing christian woman. she asked him if he was a virgin and he said yes. he said yes because he knew she was "the one". they got married. then after a little while he told her the truth. she never ever forgave him. he loved her like no human being ever will. he treated her better than anyone else ever will. but she filed for a divorce. it didn't matter how much love he had for her. it didn't matter that they were really truelly made for eachother. she couldn't find any forgiveness in her. she felt no love after she found out the truth. she lost a great guy that treated her better than she deserved. everyone makes stupid choices in life. people can change for the better. if ray charles can change his life around then damn it anyone can. i hope my past doesn't come to haunt my future. i hope my stupid choices don't loose me the love of my life.

Side Show

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-08T02:05:36-05:00

Like a fish plucked from the ocean Tossed into a foreign stream Always knew that I was different Often fled into a dream I ignored the raging current Right against the tide I swam But I floated with the question Who will love me as I am? Like an odd exotic creature On display inside a zoo Hearing children asking questions Makes me ask some questions too Could we bend the laws of nature? Could a lion love a lamb? Who could see beyond this surface? Who will love me as I am? Who will ever call to say I love you? Send me flowers or a telegram? Who could proudly stand beside me? Who will love me as I am? Like a clown whose tears cause laughter Trapped inside the center ring Even seeing smiling faces I am lonely pondering Who would want to join this madness? Who would change my monogram? Who will be part of my circus? Who will love me as I am? Who will ever call to say I love you? Send me flowers or a telegram? Who could proudly stand beside me? Who will love me as I am?

Endless Nights

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-09T03:05:19-05:00

You should be loved by someone who knows you; wants you to blossom. Always is true. You should be cherished like the first sign of springtime; you should be loved. You should be loved with constant devotion, heart-pounding passion, flooding you through. You should be treasured like a ruby or a diamond. You should be loved in the way I love you. All through the years I've held oceans inside. Held back the tears, and the waves, and the tide. The dam had to burst and the currents collide with the flood of emotion I can no longer hide. We should be close as stars are to heaven, shoreline to ocean, birds to the blue. We should be coupled with a lifetime connection. We should be joined like we're one and not two. Yes, you should be loved in the way I love you.
I don't care about them only you. With love we could rise above the whispers and stares. We could challengee the powers of fate. We could master a bad circumstance if you give me a chance.
If I can see past your affliction why can't you see past mine? Why do you care what people might say? Why try to fit into their design? If I had told you your love was a lie would you have kissed it goodbye?
One of these days you will look back in shame. After you've learned that a spark's not a flame. You will regret how you pushed love aside when you're married to nothing; when you're misery's bride. You should be loved by someone who wants you, tries to protect you, always comes through. You should have chosen the one who supports you; always supports you whatever you do. Yes, you should be loved in the way I love you.

I Will Never Leave You

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-10T01:05:58-05:00

I'm scared... Of what? Being alone But you're not You never have been If we stood on our tiptoes We could peek over the sill And once in a while we would see a girl Slowly walking up the hill And we'd think what a sad situation To be outside on your own To go through the town with no playmate To go through life all alone I will never leave you I will never go away We were meant to share each moment Beside you is where I will stay Evermore and always We'll be one though we're two For I will never leave you When the day is filled with shadows That stretch into the night I am filled with your sweet comfort Like morning fills with light I will never leave you I will never go away We were meant to share each moment Beside you is where I will stay Evermore and always We'll be one though we're two For I will never leave you No, I will never leave you I will never leave you I will never go away We were meant to share each moment Beside you is where I will stay That's where I will stay Evermore and always Evermore We'll be one though we're two One though we're two For I will never I will never I will never leave you

Malach-ha-mavis. Boruch dayam emes.

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-11T01:05:36-05:00

Boruch Ato Ado-noy Elo-hay-nu Me-lech Ho-olom A-sher Kid-shonu B'mitz-vo-sov V'tzi-vonu L'ho-niach Tefillin. Boruch Ato Ado-noy Elo-hay-nu Me-lech Ho-olom A-sher Kid-shonu B'mitz-vo-sov V'tzi-vonu Al Mitz-vas Tefillin. She-ma Yis-ro-el Ado-noy Elo-hay-nu Ado-noy Ech-od. Bo-ruch Shem Ke-vod Mal-chu-so Le-olom Vo-ed. Ve-ohavto Ays Ado-noy Elo-he-cho Bechol Levov-cho Uve-chol Naf-she-cho Uve-chol Meo-de-cho. Ve-ho-yu Ha-de-vorim Ho-eleh Asher Ono-chee Me-tzav-cho Ha-yom Al Le-vove-cho. Veshi-nan-tom Levo-ne-cho Ve-dibar-to Bom, Be-shiv-techo Be-vai-se-cho Uve-lech-techo Va-derech Uve-shoch-be-cho Uve-kume-cho. Uke-shar-tom Le-os Al Yo-de-cho Ve-ho-yu Le-to-to-fos Bein Eine-cho. Uche-savtom Al Me-zuzos Beis-echo U-vi-shore-cho

There's a Fine, Fine Line

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-11T09:05:04-05:00

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend; there's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend; and you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb. There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time. There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie; and there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye." I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime, But there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time. And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore. I don't think that you even know what you're looking for. For my own sanity, I've got to close the door and walk away...Oh... There's a fine, fine line between together and not and there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got. You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time

For Him

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-12T09:05:53-05:00

not knowing where you are. just knowing you are very far. are you safe and out of harms way? God knows i think about you everyday. i worry about you and your health. you mean more to me than any wealth. you touched my soul and my heart. my love for you could never part. it's been a little less than a year. i wonder if my prayers you can hear, or maybe the tears i cry at night. i just dont agree with this "iraq vs us fight". i want you to come back home. i want to be able to talk to you on the phone. but then again this was your choice. semper fidelius, always faithful, let them hear your voice. *god must answer prayers*

Memories I Wasn't Suppose To Remember

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-14T12:05:23-05:00

You touch my legs and say i’m pretty your hands are cold, rough, and gritty you whisper sweet nothings into my ears whisper although theres no one around for years tell me your whole life story make me sorry and feel worry about your aunt and your anger all these things you call an anchor give a dog a bone just bring me home and yet theres all this trust or maybe it’s just common lust not even with you for an hour yet i still have to resist with all my power now hours have past but your stench still lasts wondering if i was wrong thinking why that took so long not fully understanding why you you seem cute, ready, and funny...that’s true there’s so much more the eye can’t see some may not believe and say how can it be you cheat, smoke, lie, get high i don’t find that any surprise getting any girl you want with your looks, act, and what you flaunt saying your too high to remember not knowing you take a part of each willing member.

GiiiiiiiiR

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-14T11:05:13-05:00

Seeing is believing, but what you may see may be deceiving. There's more there than what you think is there. So open up your eyes and mind if you dare. Step out of your mind, and seek what others find. See things from a different point of view. You may find what you that was untrue to be true.

Bay To Breakers

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-16T02:05:20-05:00

i have never seen so much beer or naked people. sorry no insightful poetic beautiful blog today. bay to breaks rocks my socks. cept for the fact i fucked up my left leg....again. damn it. who wants to do it next year?? who want to go naked with me next year? haha.

Purpose Driven Life (haha..who's read that book?_

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-16T08:05:28-05:00

PURPOSE, IT'S THAT LITTLE FLAME THAT LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER YOUR ASS. PURPOSE, IT KEEPS YOU GOING STRONG LIKE A CAR WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS. EVERYONE ELSE HAS A PURPOSE SO WHAT'S MINE? OH, LOOK! HERE'S A PENNY! IT'S FROM THE YEAR I WAS BORN! IT'S A SIGN! I DON'T KNOW HOW I KNOW, BUT I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GONNA LOOK, BUT I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE. GOTTA FIND OUT, DON'T WANNA WAIT! GOT TO MAKE SURE THAT MY LIFE WILL BE GREAT! GOTTA FIND MY PURPOSE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE COULD BE FAR, COULD BE NEAR COULD TAKE A WEEK, A MONTH, A YEAR AT A JOB, OR SMOKING GRASS MAYBE AT A POTTERY CLASS! COULD IT BE? YES IT COULD! SOMETHING'S COMING, SOMETHING GOOD! I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE I'M GONNA FIND IT. WHAT WILL IT BE? WHERE WILL FT BE? MY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS A MYSTERY GOTTA FIND MY PURPOSE GOTTA FIND ME. I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE! GOTTA FIND ME.

Girls Don't Cry

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-19T09:05:37-05:00

i was raised to not cry. i was raised to hate guys. i try not to cry and sometimes i really do hate guys. when guys fucking make me cry...i dont do that. i cant do it. im sorry but i wont talk to you. and i will be a bitch. and i just cant do it. guys dont fucking make me cry. and if they do. well then thats it. it makes me re-think everything. like why do i like this person. or why should i still talk to this person. or why do i have to be the fucking stupid one. so you know what....fuck. screw it. and shit. and dont fucking get pissed off at me. i guess its true...im just a damn fucking cold heartless bitch when you get down to it.

Twenty Third use to be MY day.....

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-23T09:05:37-05:00

I know a girl She puts the color inside of my world But she's just like a maze Where all of the walls all continually change And I've done all I can To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands Now I'm starting to see Maybe it's got nothing to do with me Fathers, be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers, be good to your daughters too Oh, you see that skin? It's the same she's been standing in Since the day she saw him walking away Now she's left Cleaning up the mess he made So fathers, be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers, be good to your daughters too Boys, you can break You'll find out how much they can take Boys will be strong And boys soldier on But boys would be gone without the warmth from A womans good, good heart On behalf of every man Looking out for every girl You are the god and the weight of her world So fathers, be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers, be good to your daughters too

wow two entries in one day!

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-24T01:05:18-05:00

What have I got to do to make you love me What have I got to do to make you care What do I do when lightning strikes me And I wake to find that you're not there What do I do to make you want me What have I got to do to be heard What do I say when it's all over And sorry seems to be the hardest word It's sad, so sad It's a sad, sad situation And it's getting more and more absurd It's sad, so sad Why can't we talk it over Oh it seems to me That sorry seems to be the hardest word What do I do to make you love me What have I got to do to be heard What do I do when lightning strikes me What have I got to do What have I got to do When sorry seems to be the hardest word

MJB

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-24T08:05:38-05:00

Today I'm not feelin pretty See I'm feeling quite ugly Havin one of this days When I cant make up my mind So don't even look at me See I don't wanna hear your problem Cause I'm having some of my own I know it was not your fault That I'm feelin down I just wanna be left alone Down I'm down and out in depression I think the worst of everything My lower back is achin' And my clothes don't fit Now aint that a bitch And I don't know what I'm gonna do I'm fulled stressed I want y'all to hear what I'm sayin Feelin really bitch yeah And I don't feel like be a nice to nobody Don't feel like smilin no And I don't need you to remind me

zeeyad u drive me to insanity

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-25T12:05:07-05:00

i swear you drive me crazy. but you'd never notice it. your eyes and mind are too hazy. i swear you make me hurt the most. but you'd never care. you just stand there like a fencepost. i swear you keep me up at night. but you'd never say it's true. you think everything is alright. i swear you make me cry like a baby. but you'd never think it's possible. our lives are just too shady. i swear you drive me to insanity. but you'd never be sorry. you're whole lifes just ended up a calamity. ------------------------------------- i can't explain. how after all this time. i've always been there. fuck. i've ALWAYS been there. and why? why haven't i left? why haven't i given up? why haven't i just walked away? you know you hurt me. you know i dont like what you do. but DAMN IT YOU HAVE TO BE TOO FUCKING STUBBORN. you ask me why should you change your ways? MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING YOURSELF. i'm so tired of this. i'm so tired of you doing this...over and over and over again. i can't take it anymore. i can't even tell you how many times i break down. how many times i get so overwhelmed. AND DONT EVEN FUCKING GIVE ME THE SHIT OF HOW I SHOULD JUST STOP CARING. you've lied to me. i've stayed. you've hurt me. i've stayed. you've left me. i've stayed. WHY. WHY AM I SO FUCKING STUPID TO KEEP ON BEING THERE FOR YOU?!?!?!? if you dont give a shit about you're life then FUCK IT. NEITHER DO I. you know i will always love you. but damn it. love can only go so far. i can't change you. you're on your own. if shit happens. damn it. IT'S YOUR OWN FUCKING FAULT. it's not my responsibilty. i hope karma bites you hard in the ass.

damn it screw feelings...

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-27T02:05:27-05:00

damn it. screw it. i wasn't going to post it here. i didn't want to post it here. but screw it. no. i'm done. i'm not going to be all worried about what other people have to say. damn it. if this is how i feel....well...shit....it's how i feel. so people just need to deal with it. here's my myspace because i don't have the time or energy to get all worked up and write it again... Thursday, May 26, 2005 because i cant use mindsay right now.... Current mood: aggravated i love mindsay. i say everything and anything on it. however. there are the few ocassions where if i were to say what was really going on....people would die. so i will use my myspace. and pray that people dont go telling other people and being caddy lil bitches....and....i'll stop....and just say what i have to say. if it hurt the first time why would someone think it wuldnt hurt the second time. i am human. i have feelings. i'm sorry i dont bounce back like a boucny ball. i do hurt. i do cry. and i do get sad. so stop fucking expecting more from me. i wont lie to you but i will hide from you. i wont say anything but i'll talk to you. i wont be all sweet and cuddly...but...fuck....i'll always love you. damn it. fuck. shit. piss. i give up. i rarely give up. but in situations like this....fuck. 10:51 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

hard times

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-27T08:05:21-05:00

i know things have been hard lately. a lot of stress and all. and i know i can be a bitch. and i know i've been difficult. i'm sorry.

Bomze Bom Bom Knows What I Mean

poeticflow4life — 2005-05-31T10:05:06-05:00

all you'd ever hear me say Is how I pictured me with you That's all you'd ever hear me say But since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time Im so movin on Thanks to you How can I put it? you put me on I even fell for that stupid love song How come I never hear you say I just wanna be with you I guess you never felt that way You had your chance you blew it Out of sight, out of mind Shut your mouth I just can't take it Again and again and again and again

You Wouldnt Understand

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-01T02:06:11-05:00

i've been hurt before. i've cried beofre. i've felt anger before. but not like this. not this messed up. not on a situation like this. why? how? i'm so confussed. i'm in disbelief. i'm even scared. i feel sorry. i'm disapointed. i figure if i just stop loving. if i stop caring so much. then i wont get hurt like this. things like this will stop happening.

shitfuck

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-02T12:06:19-05:00

SHITFUCK. I HATE GEOMETRY! AND IT HATES ME. WATCH ME FAIL. JUST WATCH ME FAIL!!!!

Nothing Really To Say

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-04T12:06:41-05:00

i dun really know what to say. i'm a lil on the upset side rite now. not upset in the mad way...and i'm not really all that sad. but like. i think of certain things or my mom asks me these questions...i'm just getting sick of life. sick of feeling the same way. and sick of not being able to get over things like i use to.

i love this movie

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-05T03:06:32-05:00

the mummy is one of my favorite movies. i love this movie. i want to visit egypt soooo bad. i have always loved egypt...ever since i was a little girl. i use to want to grow up and become an egyptologist. hehe. so this is what summer is suppose to be like. reading james patterson books....napping....cleaning.....watching my favorite movies....time to time singing....calling jonathan every other day....jonathan calling me every other day.....waiting for a phone call or text that i know i'll never get.....studying....working...............yea. maybe i can get use to this? oh and for those who know how i feel about my brother....he's coming in town in like.......13 days. he'll be home for a week. and i wont be here at all when he's here. no complaining on my side. and for the record. instead of being upset now i'm just frustrated.

lately

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-09T02:06:29-05:00

hmm so what have i been doing the past few days....i changed the oil for three cars. oil filter for two cars. ac filter for one car. air filter for one car. and changed/pumped a lot of tires. i'm becoming quite the mechanic. i can picture myself spending day after day doing repairs on hummers and air crafts. air force here i come!!!.....in two years.....haha. i went antique shopping in petaluma today. sad story cause it was raining. eventho it was raining sonoma was still gorgeous. ummm i'm working on seeing wicked and les mis...can't wait. and i pray just about every night that another tour of the last five years comes around. but eh. who knows. i'm going to start work at stanford again. jeremy warrner....i'm so ready for him. haha. and i get to see grayson hopefuly this friday with stephen and mike. i can't believe i haven't seen these people in a year. sad. but oh well.....i'll be leaving for tahoe and then veags and then philly/nj/boston. i'll be in philly for two weeks!!! sooooooooo fricken excited for it. i'm a lucky ass and get to see philly eagles practice!!! t.o. and mcnaab here i come!!! oh yea...and andy roddick here i come!!! in vegas we're going to try and see we will rock you and maybe danny ganes. we might even go see celin dion again....no more elton john tho...one time was enough. hmm. feelings lately....when somebody loves you it's no good unless they love you all the way. i dunno. i did a lot of thinking considering i was stuck in a car for five hours. i know how i feel. and i know how others feel. and even if they dont go hand in hand...well....if neither of us will change. than that just how it's going to be. i'm not expecting any change cause i know i will always feel this way. it's late and i'm rambling. good night to all.

Wicked

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-09T07:06:19-05:00

ddddaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeellllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dan.....*sigh* my online quest for wicked tickets is going horribly.....altho i did find out that the tickets are like 40$-85$....prices might be different when we go during rex. but yea. i tried looking online for sept 3 + 4 but i can't find two tickets together. i even looked at aug 27 + 28. all the 2 pm ones just seems to all be selling fast. i hope we find luck at the actuall box office. i mean....all those tickets can't be gone by the time we check on the 17th....right? do a prayer will ya? ok i gotta go plant flowers....to get money for all this entertainment. haha. love ya!

And One Mix Tape Tour 2005

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-11T12:06:06-05:00

last night was craaaazy. keep in mind i'm a short asian girl.....and last nights staduim....basically all black. please dont take that comment the wrong way. i'm not being racist. but there was a riot and about three fights. some time near half time a whole section got up and ran for the exit cause there was a fight in the corridor. so much weed there. it was mad crazy. i was getting dizzy from smelling all of it. and then after the game was when it reall got crazy. stuck in the parking lot for two hours. there were under aged kids drinking and teens getting out of their cars to bang on some ones window asking for weed. there were people standing on top of their cars and cars blasting rap music. people dancing. you know your bass is up too loud when your muffler starts shaking to the music. so many things happened last night. i didnt get home till one. it was some crazy shit. i dont even know how to explain it all. but yea. i do all this to see one person. to see one guy. *sigh* grayson boucher. i swear...i do too much to see him. hahaha. all for the love of the game....all for the love of the crazy shit. well....last night was like a fraction of what philly is like. but yea. i gotta get back to work. haha. still no luck on wicked. miss you even more than ever. luck for me i have a photo i keep with me and use as a bookmark..... :-) i'm a dork. i know.

Second Entry of the Day.....

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-11T01:06:08-05:00

i'm so proud of my dad right now. just watching him and hearing him coach. i dunno if i've ever been this proud of him. i mean...at home and family events he's really not all that talkatvie. i mean he tries to get out of half the family events that we have. he's jus not that personable. but seeing him like cracking jokes and instructing and talking to all these people. i'm just beaming. i watch from above seating and i listen to him talk. i'm very proud...haha...i feel like a parent who just watched their child win some kind of spelling bee or math contest. haha.

Dreams That Haunt

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-12T01:06:10-05:00

wow. ok. this is like lame to me. this is my third entry of the day. what has my life come to? i guess when ur at work with nothing to do....this is the last resort. haha. anyway. i think i might have just made the biggest mistake of my life. i can't help it. but like. dreams seriously bug me sometimes. i had a dream that i got really close to this person. lets call this person 'N' (*haha chevy like how i adopted the lettering from you?*). so N is not the kind of person i thot i'd even talk to. number one N's best friend hates my guts. number two N is loyal as all hell to this friend. so basically it's all about the best friend that hates me. annnyway. in my dream N and i started talking a lot more. N totally suprised me cause like.....we were getting so open and close. so anyway. i'm not going to go into detail about the dream. but yea. since i've had that dreams it's bugged me. like. ok. so i just emailed N. horrible. i know. could be one of the worst ideas of my life. but i kinda just told N ''look i know you and 'so and so' are close. and i respect that. i want to know what you think about 'this and that' i've just been thinking a lot lately about you and what you think and i'm curious. and i also told N that 'this and that' was everyones fault and now there are no fingers to point. and i asked N to not tell the bestfriend that i contacted him" because well then i'd have to fear for my life. but anyway. N could either one tell the best friend that i contacted N. or two....totally end up like i didn't expect it to just like in the dream. i'm screwed. i dislike stressing over this. shoot me before i go truely crazy. save me? haha....seth....hahahhahahaa. chevy. i love how u know what it means when i say seth.

Only Chevy Knows...

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-12T11:06:50-05:00

haha. i love chevy. she rocks my world...cause only she knows what i'm about to talk about. we're jus close like that...but yea. i knew ever since like three days ago...well. dreaming since like three days ago. wonderful glorious days. haha. hahaha. ok i'm a dork. i know. but let me tell you.....late afternoon...sun blazing. everyones hot. and were all hitting on the courts. good stuff. and then. *sigh* more good stuff. chevy u feel me on this? haha. hott.

For The One and Only Jackass

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-13T01:06:21-05:00

Weren't you the one that said, that you don't want me anymore. And how you need your space, and give the keys back to your door. And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me. But still you said that love was gone, and that I had to leave. Now you, talkin bout a family Now you, sayin I complete your dream Now you, sayin I'm your everything You confusin me What you say to me Don't play with me Cause what goes around, comes around. What goes up, must come down. Now who's cryin, desirin to come back to me I remember when I was sittin home alone Waitin for you Til 3 o'clock in the morn And when you came home, you'd always have some sorry excuse. And explainin to me, like I'm just some kinda fool I sacrifice the things I want to and do things for you But when it's time to do for me, you never come through Now you, wanna be a bond of me Now you, have so much to say to me Now you, wanna make time for me What you do to me. You confusin me Don't play with me Cause what goes around, comes around. What goes up, must come down. Now who's cryin, desirin to come back to me Night after night Knowin sumthing goin on You was gone Lord knows it wasn't easy, but believe me. Never thought you'd be the one that would deceived me. And never do wha u was supposed to do No need to hose me fool, cause I'm ova you Cause what goes around, comes around. What goes up, must come down. Now who's cryin, desirin to come back to me It's called Karma baby. And it goes around. -------------------------------------------------------- damn it. dont think that you can call me and expect me to be like how i was before. do i want to talk to you? no. do i want to see you? no. i'm over it. i tried so hard to be there for you and to always care for you. you didn't see it. and now you want me?? now that's a fucking laugh and a half.

Loosing Hope is Easy

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-14T08:06:37-05:00

how do i even put this. i serisouly cant take it anymore. if u say ur going to do something then do it. if u say anything...fuck u better mean it. i'm so tired of just sitting around to hear from u. nd then when i do hear from u all i hear is how much u miss me and how much u want to see me and how it's been to long for u. cause if any of that shit was true then u'd do something like call me. i hate how sketchy you are. i hate how u lie. i hate how i care about you so fucking much. i remember everything. i remember when we even went out. boy was that a waste and a joke. bottom line. don't fuck with me.

So What Do I Go and Do....?

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-14T11:06:09-05:00

fuck. u dont call me. u got me always thinking of u. so what do i go and do after seeing u hanging out? i call you. fuck. why do i have to be the one? is four years of being by ur side not enough? should i just give my life for u? it would be a hell of a lot easier than the shit i swear u put me thru. i cant even begin to explain to other people how i feel about u or what i do for u or what u put me thru. damn. four fucking years. u shuld feel like a damn lucky ass son of a bitch. but instead i just stand around and let u do this to me.

EPATT

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-17T07:06:43-05:00

today has been a pretty good day. been doing little bitts of work here and there. tonite is the big staff dinner. that'll be in about half an hour. during my lunch break a family friend asked me to play tennis (doubles AND singles) for his team today. i said no, but my dad said yes. so there it was. i had less than an hour before playing my first matches of the summer. now i know i love tennis and all, but i've never had to play singles right after playng doubles. i was kinda nervous and i had no idea who my doubles partner was. she shows up and it turns out being some girl that played varisity doubles for Pinewood. i knew her, and i knew that her school whipped my school 0 in 0. but it was all good. we won doubles 6-3. then i had to play singles. i hate playing singles sometimes because i get so nervous. but i held out and won 6-4. over all i'm not sure how the EPATT team did, but i hope everyone else did well. the coaches of the team asked me to play for them every friday to help them win The Cup, but i'm going to be in tahoe for two weeks, so that's two matches. luckily when i get back fridays are my only day off. so looks like i'm going to be helping out for two more matches. i hope i can help bring them to The Cup. and just to explain what EPATT is a little better....it stands for East Palo Alto Tennis and Tutouring. it's a program for children and teens to get tutoured in school and also get the chance to learn tennis. tennis is a great sport and these kids that live in east palo alto are really great kids. so yea. in anyway that i can help. i'm happy.

This Can't Be A Good Thing

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-27T01:06:18-05:00

this can't be a good thing. and it's not like i wanted this to happen. and it really does make the days harder. but. i guess there's no avoiding it now. so yea. i wont say in specifics what is going on...but it has to do with work. and it has to do with another person. and yea. it's not horrible...but it's not fun either. yea. ok. i'm assuming i'm just making everyone else even more confussed...so i'll stop.

the feeling

poeticflow4life — 2005-06-30T11:06:11-05:00

i'm walking along from the dorms to the office. listening to some maroon 5. all these people are walking around all trying to get to work too. and then i think about something. and i just smile this huge smile. and i just feel so happy and so warm. anyone else know the feeling? when you just think about someone else and a certain time or memory and you just have to smile? that's just how this damn thing is working out for me. just a bunch of smiles. and it drives me crazy.

Bleh!

poeticflow4life — 2005-07-01T03:07:49-05:00

ugh. GUYS SUCK. basically. all guys suck. today when i was suppose to be practicing my serves for tennis i ended up hitting five baskets of balls to get out anger. like every ball i hit represented every time i've been hurt by a guy. that's a lot of balls. haha. tennis balls i mean. i talked to someone on the phone last night. someone who loves and adores my father. too bad he didn't know that his role model was actually my dad. no. stupid fucker thought he was just an uncle. i made a stupid choice with this guy that i talked to last night. a stupid dumb ass choice that i regret everytime someone even says this person's name. infact i regret it so much that i threw up twice because this person literally makes me sick. i told him that the guy he thought was my uncle for five years was actually my father. I HOPE THAT HURT HIM. because g-d knows this guy hurt me. and then there's good ol faithful fucking zeeyad. STOP FUCKING LYING TO ME. i don't even know why i bother. why do i still care? at all? i give up. arg. but i say that everytime. and each time i do go back. i can't have a relationship with a guy who does nothing but drugs and drinking. fuck. get you're life straight before you try sharing it with someone else. and then there's stephen. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO ASSUME AND MAKE MY ASSUMED EMOTIONS PUBLIC. gosh. why even talk like you care? i know you don't. so don't try. basically it's just a guy problemed day. like mike. g-d there's a world of things i could tell you right now. not all bad. i mean the only bad thing is you drive me crazy. not even if i really wanted to could i go out with you. and that kills. just a lil bit. ok. jeff. don't tell me you're going to do something then not do it. don't become a zeeyad. although it's funny i say that now cause it's kinda too late. you hid something very big from me. but now i know. and i didn't find out from you. no your ex girlfriend had to tell me. one word for you....PITY. any other guy i'm pissed off at right now?.......hmm....i think that's it for now. well. actually there's one more person. but i don't have the engery for it right now. maybe some other time....when i'm not ont he verge of tears, screams, and murder. BLLEEEEEEH! (bleh is a sound i make....my co worker amy know what it sounds like. hahahaha.)

blackinese

poeticflow4life — 2005-07-05T11:07:52-05:00

hmmm i dunno what to write about. i've been out of it lately. work is kinda hard. but not too bad. ummm.haven't had a decent sleep in since i cant remember when. was listening to the song karma on my walk to work from the dorms to the office. ended up punching a wall. wanted to cry but didn't. i think too much about somethings and not enough about other things. i think i've been out of it cause works been a bitch. not work itself cause i've had the same job for years now....but the staff this year...my co workers. they just can't seem to do much right. molly s, mike la, and amy c are just horrible horrible staff. i mean you dont come to work at stanford and think you're just going to be able to sit around and do nothing or just do everything the way you want it to be. i mean that's just not the way you do it. there are rules and there are jobs and people have to do what they're told. you can't just slip under the radar or be sneaky thinking you're not going to get caught. and you sure as hell don't pick a fight with me. i'll admit i have a temper. i have a very large one. my parents call it the korean temper. and once you really really really piss me off...well...then that's the end of that. if you're a co worker and you piss me off i will be sure to make the rest of your working experience hell.....*stops and thinks.....* hmmm maybe all this work tension is what's setting me off. ok i'll stop. i have to go do video anyway.

SHIFUCKITNOW

poeticflow4life — 2005-07-09T02:07:51-05:00

fuck. fuck. fuck.

hard to keep up with blogs

poeticflow4life — 2005-07-14T11:07:18-05:00

yea i'd like to write a blog a day, but it's just impossible to do. i'm never home cause i'm always at work. and when i do get home i just pass out. but yea. today is my last day of work. then i'm in wyoming for a week and philly for two weeks and then bible study for a week and then school starts. i have no life!!!! haha. i swear my summers are never mine. there's always this plan that was set up by someone else. ok. yea. ummm. what has happened this week....i got pissed off at one of my co workers cause he called a girl a degrading and disrespectful name. i refue to talk to him. and then last night at the dance he tried to pick me up. i was all eww freak get away from me. i'm still very much pissed off at him. some girls tried sneaking out of their dorms. but they got caught. ummm. what else.....michael shaved...ummm......staff party tonite......ummm...i learned that all guys want is a piece of ass and it fucking pisses me off.

Traveling

poeticflow4life — 2005-07-21T02:07:40-05:00

i've been just driving and traveling all over. i've been in a different hotel or cabin every night. been all over utah, wyoming, montana, and idaho. it's been fun. and not a moment goes by without thinking of "joseph". which is bad. bad on my part. bad on his part. just bad. *SIGH*

My Cousin Greg Is The Best

poeticflow4life — 2005-07-22T03:07:09-05:00

my cousin gregory is awsome. he is the bestest ever. why? because he's one of the few of my cousins that doesn't suck. haha. that and the fact he's sitting right next to me. say hi gregory!!!! "hi!". haha. yup. visiting all the way from philly. he's a lil punk. haha. 14 years old....so young....i feel old now. hmmm. yup. back to downloading music on my zen nomad for my philly trip.

long time

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-02T11:08:45-05:00

me and traveling is sooo getting to me. if you can believe it....i'm getting lower back problems and now i have siatica......niffer i know you know what that means! haha. got ol mr. burris....teaching us all these great things.....anyway. shooting pains and constant...pain. haha. for the past two weeks or so i've been all over philly jersey new york and all that good stuff. i went on my first college tour. EASTERN UNIVERSITY HERE I COME!!!! i can not wait to get out of california. i dont know if i can explain how tired i am of cali. east coast is where i belong. jonathan and i are going to rock the east coast. haha. anyway. my family is huge. and i have to visit all of them. plus i'm doing tennis training so i'm hitting everyday. which isn't good for my back so ibuprofin and i have become best friends. yea i was swimming yesterday with my two baby girls....and i busted my hip on one of the steps. so now i have a fatty black bruise on my left hip. i run into a lot of things. ok i'm going to go. my cousins want to do karaoke. it's 11 20 am and that's what they want to do. ok then. anyway. byyeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! oh. i miss work. i had a dream about work last night. i miss people! sadness and tears!!!!! and i kind of miss school. i miss people. people that aren't at our school anymore......more tears. yea. i miss people.

Home At Last.

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-14T11:08:12-05:00

i just got back from redwood glen last night. so yea i was at christian camp for a week and i thought it would suck. but it actually totally rocked. umm just to let daniel know i forgave my dead dad and my brother there. and um. yea. god works in many different ways. i went to camp not knowing anyone. i get there and two of my old elementary classmates are there...jefferey and samuel. then there was brett. i went to middle school with him. god gave me the second chance to apologize to brett because i use to like....beat brett up. so yea. camp rocked because i grew a lot spiritually and got to meet a lot of people. roger rocks. my mom loooves him. haha. such a gentlemen. then there was justin louie. he'll be at ucberkeley. so far away!!! haha. i hope he keeps on going to fcbc...i'd be sad if i never saw him again. and there's alost justin la....he rocks. he's cousins with my brothers bestfriends girlfriend. haha. he's also an amazing dancer. and then of couse there's DATE MY ELECTRIC FLY SWATTER!!!! i loved my macarther girls!!! gin gin, berni, sandy, maria, and jamie. we rocked. 0-0-0-07!!!!!wait...there's more....i absolutely adore cliff and kyle. then today i went to fcbc. it was fun. i love the singing. and the human bingo was interesting.....ah yes i'm know as the girl that can do body tricks. haha. we got to see the slideshow again too. then we all went out to lunch. we took up like three round tables at some resturant in china town. then we went to union square...roger...oh roger...he got caught in one of those circle doors. haha. well. ok time to drive to milpitas.

8 days

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-16T02:08:10-05:00

so. there's so much going on in my life. it makes my head hurt sometimes. haha. anyway. I'M GOING TO THE DMV FOR MY LICENSE ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! people please pray for me. lots of prayer. specially because yesterday i almost died. haha. roger is lucky cause he was the first to hear about it. i almost got side swiped by a truck going 55mph. it was on the way back from sf to cupertino. the whole rest of the way home i wanted to pull over and cry. by the time i got home...i was stil shaking. it's scary. but it's a good feeling because when i thought i was going to die i wasn't worried about wether i'd go to heaven or not. so school starts in three days. i'm really excited because i got to see teresa, greg, nick, and casey yesterday. honors english is a pain in the butt. over 100 dollars in books for one class. is it really worth reading 15 books for one class? gir. i saw a sports med doc today. i got a bunch of xrays taken. my back is fine but there's something wrong with my hip. i've got a weird indent in my socket and a piece of bone floating around. i have to see a pt 2x a week for 3 weeks. um. what else to say? after seeing someone for 8 days in a row i suppose when you dont see them for one day it feels strange. and ok so my views on like dating and guys. i only want to date if i'm serious about marriage. i'm not serious about marriage...infact i never want to get married. so i'm not going to date. i don't like the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing and i'm scared of committment. but it's kinda hard to explain. i know this one guy likes me. he actually almost kinda sorta maybe fits my picky. but i just can't bring myself to date him. then there's this other guy. we're just close. and i'm confussed. and i don't want to do anything stupid. it's strange even thinking about it. so maybe i'm just not going to forget about it. gir! haha.

The Same Moon

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-20T12:08:20-05:00

it's one of those warm fuzzy feelings when someone you love is far away but you're talking on the phone staring at the same moon. here i am driving in the car and he's going out for a walk. chatting on the cell...not a huge suprise for me now. i hear him say it's a full moon tonight. i say yea it's beautiful. then we just kinda sit in a silent moment because we realize even though we're miles apart it's the same moon. i'm not sure i can say that that's happened to me before. but i think it's sweet. I GOT MY LICENSE TODAY!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!

hmmm......

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-22T09:08:39-05:00

so. i'm not really sure what to exactly say. my brain is so all over the place right now. i'm working on a definition page, finding quotes in anthem, and reading iliad which i should already be done with. i love to drive. blasted hairspray this morning....and i belted right along with it. dork i know. mary dao stroked my hair today...it was really strange. i'm glad there's no more ick between us. jr year is just so much better when you dont have to be worried about social life. so. when a guy likes a girl and a girl likes a guy why can't either of them just come out and say it? because we're both stubborn and persistant in our stubborness. we've got that established. it just doesn't makes sense for us to tell eachother that we dont want to date but then say we like eachother and want to date. hypocritical. and stupid. who knows what the day will bring. anyway. so at fcbc i can't remember who said it but someone was talking about praying in the shower and how the person knew to pray during shower time because that's just how they do it. i thought it was ridiculous...well....i've come to realize i pray at the strangest times. at red lights, showers, reading books, during class.....and i pray a lot. scott shimada said something about keeping a log of all our prayers.....i think i pray too much and just can't record all of it. someone will say something and it'll spark something in my brain and i'll just start to pray. what's it called.....connotation? an idea brought upon by a certain word/thing.....yup that's me working hard on my definition page. haha. rambling too much....24 definitions to go....finished with anthem quotes but i really want to read the book again. aw man! i forgot all about significant figures. darn. back to homework...which is what i should be doing.........ick.

RANDOM ENTRY USED FOR VENTING

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-22T09:08:03-05:00

MY PARENTS ARE MAD AT ME BECAUSE I SHOWED LIZ MY CAR. LIZ AND I ARE FRIENDS. WE'RE IN PEER HELPERS TOGETHER. THEY'RE MAD AT ME BECAUSE NOW SOMEONE IS GOING TO VANDALIZE MY CAR BECAUSE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT I DRIVE. THEY SAY I'M TOO TRUSTING TO TELL SOMEONE WHAT CAR I DRIVE. MY DAD SAYS THAT I SHOULDN'T TRUST ANYONE AND THAT LIZ CAN BE MY FRIEND TODAY AND HATE ME TOMORROW AND SLASH MY TIRES. I GET YELLED AT FOR THE STRANGEST REASONS. YEA I COULD SEE IT BEING STUPID IF I TOLD LIKE.....BROOKE....BUT EVEN THEN. ARRRRG. PARENTS SOMETIMES MAKE ME WANT TO 1,2,STEP. SO NOW ACCORDING TO THEM I'M OBLIVIOUS, UNREALISTIC, TOO TRUSTING, AND STUPID. ALL BECAUSE I SHOWED SOMEONE MY CAR! AHHHHHHHH WHERE'S THE PEACE? GOTTA GO FIND MY HAPPY PLACE!. blat.

Never So Scared In Life Before

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-25T11:08:10-05:00

today i got into my first accident. i have never been so shaken up before in my life. i was shaking and i was almost on the verg of tears. it's the most horrible experience i've ever been through. when i heard metal hit metal like that...it was the most terrifying thing ever. and honestly...i was so scared because i thought i had killed two of my best friends. i'm so stupid. the accident was my fault. the truck was in my blind spot and i made a right turn while in the left lane. the guy was so understanding. he's a middle school teacher. he was very reasuring and helpful. he was very nice about it. his car suffered no damage at all. of course his car didn't because it's this massively huge truck explorer thing. i drive a tiny honda civic. i love my car. both passanger car doors are dented in and scratched about two feet. i didn't cry until i had gotten back to school. i called my mom and told her about the accident and her being a parent was pissed off at me. i was bawling. i was just so shaken up by it. i'm still shaken up by it. it's over 1,000 worth of damage. my first ever accident. the whole thing was just a horrible nightmare. i hope i don't ever have to experience something like that ever again. and i thank God so much for keeping me and everyone else safe. i also thank God for giving me such an understanding and forgiving person to hit. ah. i just thank God for so much.

photo

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-28T01:08:11-05:00

niffer and daniel if either of ya could help me with posting a photo on my mindsay....as like an entry...that would rock my sock.

picnic

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-29T01:08:25-05:00

spent the day at a park. i love gin gin, maria, and berna! good times. water park thing was awsome. met rogers mom. she aiiyahed him and it was funny. he also drove which was even funnier. went to a block party and anthony was there. been 4 years and there's still that brother sister bond. i'm glad. he rocks. i've missed him! then i talked to justin. haven't talked to him in like over two weeks. strange. he'll be startin uc berk tomorrow. ummmm. hmmm.....i like roger and i can't stand it. it's horrible. cause. arg. it's frustrating. i'm not the dating type. i hate committment. i'm not good at it. i dont even think i can spell it right! i cant change my life like equality 7-2521 did. there is no significat other for me like liberty 5-3000. can ya tell him writing an anthem essay right now? haha. but. i dunno. maria says it's sweet that we like eachother the way we do and that it's a good thing. but i hate it. i mean. ugh. it sucks. guys suck.....well....no all guys. daniel rocks. haha. but every other guy....cept anthony too....they all suck. haha. ok gotta go to turnitin.com. website sucks! gir.

Ugh 2

poeticflow4life — 2005-08-31T02:08:55-05:00

you have to understand that i feel like i'm about to pass out and i'm only on my second paragraph for kaffir boy. i've recently discovered i can't pour out my heart and sould on xanga....and hopefully the same wont happen here....or i'd be screwed. the internet is not the way to find out certain things. but yes. back to me being a shitty ass student. fuck. that's like the only word that really comes ot my mind right now. and to think i have to drive. i didn't even study for alg 2 which i should be doing. i got home at 2 pm and what do i do? get stuck in the past and almost want to have a break down. sometimes when people from the past come back into your life it's hard because all these unexpected things come back right along with them. it kinda is an unpleasant suprise. but anyway. i'm just going to keep on typing on mindsay until i find it in me to continue on with my essay. if i mis-spell one more word and have to delete it i will be most unhappy. so hopefully spet 11th will be a good day for me this year. and there goes my mis-spelled word....year....and there's my second....word. ack. too much deleting. but yes. sept 11th. we'll see what happens. *wink*

lyrics

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-02T03:09:09-05:00

it's not that i can't live without you. it's just that i don't even want to try. every night i dream about you. ever since the day you said good bye. i dont know how it got so crazy. but i'll do anything to set things right. cause your love is so amazing. baby youre the best thing in my life. and when i wake up to the touch of your head on my shoulder. you're my dream come true. every kiss and everyday i'll love you in every way and i always will cause in my eyes no one else comes close to you. no one makes me feel the way you do. youre so special to me. and you'll always be eternally. every time i hold you near you always say the words i love to hear. if i don't have you to hold on to i can't go on in this world alone. i'm a star with no light. a day with no night. if i dont have you. *all backstreet boy lyrics....suprising? or strange....

DerDer

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-11T04:09:00-05:00

i think it's great how he and i are both stubborn and persistant. my dragon and ram really came out tonite. i swear. he wanted me to go to sleep and i was emotionally stressed and refussed to sleep. he's already sick and just had to be like my jewish grandmother and guilt me. he stayed up with me until i told him i was going to bed. he's so stubborn....and he's so persistant....just like me. it makes me want to scream. but i love him anyway cause hes caring like that. if i wasnt going to sleep he wasnt going to either. if i am going to be in sleep debt then so is he. he never goes to sleep until i say good nite to him and he knows that ill be in bed soon. and we have this thing where we like to look at the sky together even tho we're far away. the whole being able to look at the same stars eventho we cant look at it physically together. *sigh* such frustration and tears come from relationships. i think i just put so much stress on myself. i compare myself to other girls and i'm always worried about not being perfect. like i told jonathan tonite...last night i came to the conclusion that i am not destined to live life with someone else. who knows. we'll see. but yea apparently i cant turn lesbo cause then jonathan would have to measure up to me and that isn't fair to him. haha. jonathan rocks. always there for me. i'm sad already that the seniors are going to be graduating. what am i to do without casey, jonathan, evan, etc...? off to bed. must get up in 5 hrs...drive....fcbc....bleh.

poeticflow4life

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-12T10:09:01-05:00

**Reason Over Guessing Eventually Rewards** every night just laying in bed. trying to make reason with the chaos in my head. wishing things would finally go my way instead. but my fate is always one step ahead. it’s like a room closing in on me. it’s like a window blocked so i can’t see. it’s like an angry mob that wont let me be. this un-welcoming dark seed planted inside. this overwhelming confusion that makes me want to hide. this towering doubt that wont let me decide. this constant bugging that wont be placed aside. **Lousy Oppression Underground** and i’m screaming out loud but nobody can hear because these screams that i scream are drenched with fear. ripping out my hair and all things that are sane. hiding in between the bright lights from shame. tears streaming down out of confusion and ire. icy cold lies that chill by the fire. **Reports Of Genesis Evolving Round** i know i don't show it. but neither do u. but i'll always be here. i hope u know that's true. back to back or hand in hand. i'm here to listen. don't be afraid to stand. i'm more than you think you know. more than you think is really there. but one of these days it'll finally show. for now just chit chat and talk. dream of dreams and fears of tears. under the dark sky it'll one day walk.

Cloud 9

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-20T11:09:12-05:00

i want it. i need it. i love it. it equals.....it.....5 years strong....many more to come.

getting to know me better1. START TIME: 20:03:482. FULL NAME: Melissa Alrene Chin Blank Lee3.

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-21T11:09:05-05:00

BASICS: 1. START TIME: 20:03:48 2. FULL NAME: Melissa Alrene Chin Blank Lee 3. BIRTHDAY: March 30th 5. GENDER: Female 6. MARITAL STATUS: working on it 7. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: straight 8. HAIR COLOR: blackish/dark brown 9. EYE COLOR: dark brown 10. HEIGHT: 5'1'' 11. BEST FRIEND: laura and casey....annie....shelly....zeeyad....jonathan....my love....umm....sorry if i forgot anyone else....MY SEXY RAWK RAWK! FAVORITES: 12. BRAND OF SHOES: Jordans/AndOnes 13. TV SHOW: Family Guy, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy 14. SEASON: Spring 15. HOLIDAY: Earth Day 16. MOVIE: From Dusk Till Dawn? 17. SONG: Come Away With Me 18. BAND/SINGER:Groovelily, Casey Kennedy, Maroon 5, Jack Johnson, System of a Down, Ray Charles, Norah Jones 19. NAME: Christopher Jaccob 20. ANIMAL: snake 21. COLOR:lapis lazuli 22. FOOD: Thai, Mexican, Indian, Himalayan, Korean, Japanese, Italian 23. BRAND OF CONDOMS:i dunno i'm not the one who wears em. 24. TYPE OF JEWELRY: rings...white gold or silver or platinum 25. STORE:umm.....gap, guess, forever 21 26. PLACE TO BE: anywhere i can see shooting stars 27. PLACE TO HAVE SEX: not on the floor 28. PERSON TO HAVE SEX WITH: no one... 29. POSITION FOR SEX:no position.... 30. FAST FOOD PLACE: Panera (it's food that comes fast....) 31. RESTAURANT: Pasta Pomedero 32. VIDEO GAME: Mario, Donkey Kong 33. BOARD GAME: life, checkers 34. CARD GAME: Speed 35. CD YOU OWN: MV Imps 36. ACTOR: Johnny Depp 37. ACTRESS: Julia Roberts/Sandra Bullock 38. FLOWER: Water Lily 39. TYPE OF DESERT: Creme Brulee 40. MONTH: may 41. DAY OF THE WEEK: Sunday 42. NUMBER: 23 43. DAY OF THE YEAR: January 1st 44. BASEBALL TEAM: Oakland A's 45. FOOTBALL TEAM: EAGLES ALL THE WAY 46. BASKETBALL TEAM:t wolves, kings, rockets, spurs, heats... 47. DRINK: Boba 48. ALCOHOLIC DRINK: rasberry smirnof twist 49. DRUG: alcohol? 50. WEBSITE: powerschool, myspace, gmail, xanga, mindsay, rhymer 51. FRUIT: Cherry, lychee, watermelon 52. VEGETABLE: carrotts YES OR NO: 53. Do you watch soap operas? sometimes 54. Do you have any pets? dog 55. If so, what are their names? remy 57. Do you drink? not in a while..... 58. Do you do drugs? no 59. Do you smoke? not in a while.... 60. Do you have your license? yes 61. Have you ever been drunk? yes 62. Have you ever been high? yes..with my brother.... 63. Have you ever been to a concert? yes 64. If yes, what concert? groovelily, celin dion, elton john 65. Do you crack your knuckles? not all the time 66. Do you wear contacts? no 67. Are you to shy to ask someone out? sometimes PICK ONE: 68. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate 69. Hugs or kisses: hugs 70. Cuddling or sex:cuddling 71. Dogs or cats: cats 72. Rock concert or symphony: symphony 73. Play or opera: Play 74. Winter or fall: winter 75. Summer or spring: summer 76. Pepsi or coke: diet coke 77. Diet or regular: diet 78. Fruit or vegetable: fruit 79. Black or white:black 80. Day or night: night 81. Boxers or briefs: boxers 82. Thongs or bikinis: thongs RANDOM: 83. What size bed do you have? double? queen? 84. Things you hate: drugs 85. What time do you go to bed? usually 12 30 ish, but sometimes i pass out at like 6 or 7 86. What time do you wake up? 5 30 am-7 am 87. What kind of car you do want? 2004 accord coupe 88. What kind of car do you have right now? 2001 honda civic 89. How old were you when you got your first kiss? first peck on the check....kindergarden 90. Whats your favorite pizza topping? allergic to pizza.... 91. How many kids do you want? 2 92. What color panties (underwear)are you wearing? black 93. What are you listening to at the moment? The Last 5 Years 94. What tv show are you watching at the moment? nothin LAST PERSON WHO: 95. Saw you cry: Laura 96. Made you cry: best guy friend 97. You went to the mall with: Laura 98. You went to the movies with: Laura, Casey, Evan, Christina, Dette 99. You went out to eat with: Mom 100. You went to a party with: Laura, Casey, Dette, Cristal, other people.... 101. You slept with:best guy friend...in a non sexual way... 102. You went to a concert with: brother 103. You talked to on the phone: Dree/Ada 104. You had awesome sex with:never had awsome sex 105. You got drunk with: myself 106. You spent the night at their house: haha....mary dao 107. Finish time: 20:24:31

tennis

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-23T02:09:31-05:00

todays tennis match i won 6-3,5-7,6-3. i'm injured.i'm tired. but gosh it kicked ass playing. it was fun. and did i mention i'm in love?

photo....

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-23T02:09:28-05:00

tonite kicked major butt

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-25T03:09:28-05:00

that's just the two of us. she didn't wanna be in the photo but we made her....so she ended up blinking....so she told me to just cut her out cause this is a cute photo of us....so that's what i did. then that's the perfect photo of all of us. we're all smiling....including him...impressive. it only took us four tries to get a photo of all of us without one of us looking retarded. keep in mind it took us a very loooong time to accopmlish this photo. the thing is....none of us would function without each other. i dunno where'd i be without them....and i know without us he'd be lost and confused and really not have many people there for him. without me he'd have her...but she'd be lost. we'd all be lost without each other. our ties are strong....they were built with love that lasts forever. yup....we love each other. we've all got this huge long past together. shes been one of my best friends of 6 years....and he's been one of my best friends of 5 years. i was on the phone with her mom tonite (i call her my mom too)...and her mom was saying how we have such history with each other and how our friendship goes down so deep cause we've got too much past with each other. i love both of these people soooo much. i'm glad i got to see them...eventho i'm sick....i still liked it.

ill

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-26T02:09:06-05:00

i want to die right this instant

being sick sucks...being in love is worse

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-26T11:09:51-05:00

i hate being sick. today i slept from 6 30 am until 8 pm. i feel like i have mono all over again. it sucks. when im sick i have no feeling for time or place. i jus feel like shit. continuous shit. but what worse than being sick is being in love. with love comes along a lovely baggage of questions. and while i lay sick in bed and he wants me to come over. im thinking...what the fuck am i doing? what am i getting out of this? how does he feel? why do i put so much into this? i have so many questions to ask him that i'll never ask him cause well he'll never answer them. i wuld sacrifice my life, pack up or just leave everything i have going for me to be with him. being in love sucks.

lazy couple

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-29T12:09:59-05:00

yesterday i didnt go to school. instead i went over to his house. i was there for like...hella hours...maybe...4 hrs? i dunno. but yea. we jus kicked it. watched tv. i was feeling like shit cause i was hella sick. it was 5 hrs cause i went straight to his house after the doctors. but yea. i mean. we cuddled like how we normally do but hadn't in a long time. and it was cute. and he's ticklish. hehe. unfortunately i am like 100 times even more ticklish. but anyway. we were in his room and just laid in bed. he held me. i held him. he kissed me. i closed my eyes. i opened my eyes. he had his thinking face on. not just his thinking face....like...his extreme deep thought face. i know it well. he gets it every time...and just like every other time. he says sorry. and i never know why he says it. but he does it. and i respect it. he says he doesnt want to hurt me. and i ask him how culd he hurt me...even tho i know exactly what he means. he says...i dunno how do u think i mean? i say i dunno...but i do. and that's why i love him so much. because he's always looking out for me. he cares. and i care. it works. then today i left school early cause my lord i felt like dying. i was at his house by like.....11. i was there till 3. 4 hrs. we just kicked it. i didnt even see his parents today. normally i do. but yea. i saw him yell and scream and throw things. didnt scare me tho. i just didnt say anything either. we talked a lot. more than i expected to. talked about...a lot. i never thot he'd talk about his experiences and stuff. and i never thot hed ever talk to me about his family. like....his family family...over there. his experiences scared the shit out of me. i would of cried if he werent rite there. his family...i like hearing about his family. his parents care for him so much. hopefully he sees that now. we watched movies....he cooked......in 4 hrs he smoked 3 cigs. i guess thats not that bad. we were jus bums today. sprawled out on the couches. different ones...as to avoid a relapse of yesterday...which was kinda burdened over to today. i love him. and i pray for him. and i hope his words are true. and i love him. and ummm....yea....love him......now getting my mom to atleast like him...i'm working on it.

tired

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-30T12:09:17-05:00

oh my i am sooo tired. got home around 8 pm. screw hmwrk. too tired.

well if hoans gonna post a dream i will too

poeticflow4life — 2005-09-30T01:09:18-05:00

i had a dream. i was a mother at 19 years old. i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. his name was...well...actually in my dream he didnt have a name...we called him baby boy. the father of the baby wasn't my husband. we weren't married. just engaged. we found out that our baby was deaf. the father refused to believe it and wuldnt accept the fact that his own flesh and blood was "handicap". in real life i sign all the time. it's my habit. so in my dream whenever i would talk to the father infront of the baby i would sign. just so the baby wuld get use to seeing signs and not hearing voices. the father was furious. he went of on a ramapage about how his son is retarded and that i had to pick between him and the baby. but then me being the stubborn bitch that i am argued that our child was born that way cause of the fathers stupid drug use and lies. a lot of fighting and yelling. it was bad. i was crushed. devastated. how culd a person ever ask to choose between the love of their life vs. a part of who they are. and just because someone is deaf doesn't make them any less of a person. i picked the baby...of course. but yea. i woke up and i cried. cause it seemed so real. and the husband i really do love in real life. and the fact that i dreamed of him being so mean and uncaring and a bastard....it made me sad. it made me sad to think that anyone in real life could ever be so mean to someone that's deaf. being deaf isn't a bad thing. sometimes i wish i were deaf. signing is amazing. and without sound...life just seems so much more...peaceful. and now it's late and past my bed time and ima bout to pass out.

Ugh

poeticflow4life — 2005-10-08T08:10:32-05:00

so. years ago there was this teacher. he was awsome. my favorite. would always offer to drive me home and all that jazz. after i left that school we still kept in contact online. he would ask me if i wanted to go out over the weekend for like coffee or something to eat so we could catch up on old times. i always said no cause i was busy. there was a concert i wanted to go to with my mom and i told him. he said he could get tickets for him and me to go and that we could also go out to dinner. there were other times where i was stressed out cause of school and stuff. he'd say he could come over to my house and relieve me from my stress. that's when i realized that this guy was a freak. i saved the aim messages we had and gave them to my two best friends to keep just incase i ever needed those messages in court just incase things got really bad. well. one day the cops did get involved. i asked my two friends for the aims they were suppose to save and neither of them had them anymore. they fell out on me. my two bestfriends had copped out on me. that sucked. so i told the cops everything. they tapped his computer and recorded all of his aim messages from then on out. they dropped the case cause they didnt see any of his conversations as inappropriate. my mom thought i was lying and trying to get attention. she was pissed off at me cause she said he could get fired for me claiming all the bull shit i said. my own mother told me that. i wanted to kill myself. no fucking shit the police couldnt find anything cause i stopped talking to the god damn bastard. i still get into fights about it with my mom. she keeps to the fact that what i said was wrong and that it was my imagination and that the things he said never happened. good job mom. way to try and help me. i'm still bothered by this. i'm pissed off that the cops couldnt do anything. and i'm bringing it up now because this teacher found me online...like my myspace and xanga. god i hope he doesn't have a mindsay. but fuck this damn shit faced bastard. he put my through hell. and it took me a long time before i got over it. i thoght a lot of horrible shit about myself from this. and i got over it years later. and now. i mean what am i suppose to tell my mom? she's conviced i'm a liar about this. and i dunno. i'm pissed off now. what he did was fucked up, out of line, and a load of shit. fuck.

R Kelly

poeticflow4life — 2005-10-10T02:10:35-05:00

i love laura with all of my heart. only with her am i a dumb ass and not afraid of being one. haha. we're very compatable. only difference is i forbid her to get one of those horrible little paris hilton dogs. haha. gnite all!!!!!!!!!!!

be my escape

poeticflow4life — 2005-10-14T01:10:09-05:00

and while u can run away behind ur screen of smoke i'm exposed to the open as i begin to choke. and as i gasp for air and grasp for ur hand... u walk away, dont turn around, and leave me alone to stand. we all have our own tides to swim past. but wheres my lifeguard when i start to drown fast. here i am falling at the top of a mountain. and there u are in the other direction running as fast as u can. how is that fair to me at all. u say u'll help but just leave me to fall. and then u wonder where have i gone. when my disappearing act was ur doing all along.

it takes two.....

poeticflow4life — 2005-11-03T12:11:03-05:00

i like two guys...evan and zeeyad. i go to school with evan and we've been close friends for like....a month (altho it seems longer). i use to go to school with zeeyad and we've been close friends for like....five years. evan plays sport and is a great student and is super nice and sweet. he makes me laugh and says i love you. zeeyad use to play sports and now works, goes to school once a week, and is in trouble. he's sweet but also a jerk. he pisses me off more than the average guy because i care for him so much. it's so confussing and so hard and they hate eachother. i think that's stupid on both their parts. love is giving someone the ability to destroy you but trusting them not to. i dont know what to do. zeeyad i like...the guy ive liked for 5 years. we've had out tough times but we've had our amazing times. but then evan....he just...like...amazes me...and he cares so much. sometimes i think evan cares for me more. but i cant be sure.

the sitch

poeticflow4life — 2005-11-04T02:11:44-05:00

its 11 13. i wake up at 4 to do over 9 alg 2 hmwrks, a scrapbook, and 2 essays. i sulda been doin it all nite long but i havent even started and now im tired. so basically after school and photos and all that i went to baja fresh. took the food to go. went to shellys. talked. went to school. was suppose to go home but i didnt. instead i went to zeeyad's house. was there till 9 30. we had dinner, watched sponge bob, smoked...well he did...then we were in his room. we just laid there like lazy bums. then what happened? we kissed. and then he held me tight and said that he didnt ever wanna let me go. of course i melted when he said those words...but funny because just this morning i asked evan to have dinner with me on sat nite so he can meet my family and cause i love evan and want to spend time with him. the thing is....i dont want to juggle both of them. the thing is evan is good for me and zeeyad is bad for me. evan is my friend....if we breaK up itll be horrible and destroy our friend ship. and i dont want that. and it''s awkward cause i wuld never kiss evan. hes the fun happy love healthy free side. zeeyad is the lustful sweet cute make me feel safe side. i dont know what to do. here i am laying in bed, eating my cold baja fresh, about to go to bed and all i can do is....WANT ZEEYAD TO BE WITH ME RITE NOW WHILE AT THE SAME TIME MISSING EVAN. fuck.

fucccck

poeticflow4life — 2005-11-07T12:11:33-05:00

so i have a boyfriend. and people think thats great. i dont think its great. im freaking out about it cause im afraid of committment and getting hurt. so i normally end up hurting the other person but then this time i dont wanna hurt the person cause he means so much to me. so thats my problem. that and the fact that alex gave me a bottle of gin and thats my outlet right now. so here i try and turn to zeeyad cause well he normally makes me feel better. instead he tells me i dont wanna hear ur problems cause ive got my own. he says he doesnt need to deal with other problems. ok i respect that...whatever. then he has the nerve to say fuck you to me. who the fuck does he think he is? fuck me? excuse me? well guess what ass fuck. fuck you two. after all i do. after all the driving and sneaking and lying to be with you. and then i let u kiss me. u took my first kiss. i wasted something like that on u? wasnt fucking worth it. u ass fuck. i cant fucking believe u. after all the fucking times ive been there for u and then when i need u u say fuck u. thats fucking bullshit.

INDEPENDENT WOMAN

poeticflow4life — 2005-11-12T11:11:16-05:00

i got it. i figured it out. the reason why i cant have a boyfriend. i am an independent girl. i have a lot of things i want to do in my life. i refuse to let a guy get in the way with it. this is how i figured it out. manuel is being a fucking ass and wont leave me alone and touching me more than id let anyone touch me. SumThang: hes (manuel) just got a huge ego problem and he just needs to realize that laura and are nice to him jus cause we feel like we should be nice people....but that doesnt mean we want him hanging around SumThang: if he pisses me off one more time i will punch him and not feel bad about it at all enav: i will punch him for u SumThang: no SumThang: if he bothers her (laura) one more time then ill also be forced to hit him enav: just let me smash him into the ground enav: i'll break his jaw for him SumThang: no SumThang: ur are not allowed to SumThang: ever enav: fine. enav: but if he messes with u again, i will kick his ass SumThang: no SumThang: ur not allowed to! enav: im not gonna let him mess with u enav: if he wants to fight, we will fight i am independent girl that stands up for herself. i dont rely on guys ever. if i want to hurt manuel then ill be the one to do it. i wont have a guy beat up another guy. thats not fair to me when i want the satisfaction of hurting him. and im glad he cares about me and wants to protect me but i can protect myself. i can handle things on my own. i mean i was doin fine when i didnt have a boyfriend. what would make him think that i needed him now? before we started dating i told him that if i freak out then that was that and we break up with no hard feelings. i freak out cause i feel like im being challenged. i get offended cause of males' ego. and i also freak out cause i hate when a guy loves me and cares for me and wants to be with me. i cant take compliments and i cant take having a fucking boyfriend. this is where the situation changes a lil. evan is one of my closet guy friends. i love him and missed him so much when i was in japan. im so glad that he feels the same. if i break up with him it wuld break his heart and he'll honestly truely hate me. he'll stop talking to me jsut like he did with laura. and i dont want that. i am so lost with this.

not at home

poeticflow4life — 2005-11-16T07:11:46-05:00

now when i say fuck him i dont mean hey i want to have sex with him. it means i will find some nice heavy rocks and then those rocks will find ur car. i am so fucking tired of stupid ass shit happening. so fucking tired like u wuldnt believe. i am the kind of girl the seeks revenge on guys that are asses to me. on way to fuck with a guy is u hurt whats closest to them...hello car. anyway. yea. evan and deben are being the biggest shit head ass holes i have ever known. give me a room full of marcus and travis and id be happier. ill explain ocnce im actually home. currently im waiting for zeeyad to get outta the shower. he takes hella long to get ready. bastard.

email

poeticflow4life — 2005-11-21T02:11:26-05:00

i dont know how to start. so ill just go. and ill stop when i feel ive got it all out. i have done nothing but love you and care for you and sacrifice everything for you for the past few years. and all ive ever wanted in return is ur love. and i just dont feel it. ur never thre for me when i need you to be. but im always conviently there for you. im always by ur side faithfully waiting. but when have u ever stood by my side. im ur toy. u just use me when u want and then u just throw me away when u get old. and in ur eyes u patch the tears when u wanna pull me out from under the bed. while in that time ive been in a dark desolate period. and i give everything. and i dont even know what for. but im so tired. and as faithful as i am im so ready to give up hope. this weekend i saw a production of dead man walking. i cried on the inside because i thot of what wuld i do if that were you? id be the only one besides ur family to visit u everyday. i wuld sacrifice my time and my future and my education and my family to be with you. id visit u every damn day in prison. and im always here for u when u get out of trouble. can u honeslty say that anyone else visited u as much as i did when u were on house arrest? can u honestly say that any other female besides like ur family has ever shown so much care as me. and maybe thats my fault. maybe i shulda walked away a long time ago. im so tired of feeling like ur my reponsibility. so tired of feeling like u need me. cause ull do fine without me. im so tired and hurt that im ready to move on. im ready to say good bye and just leave u behind. and not look back once or once think in my mind or in my heart if ur ok,. im so ready to pretend like ive never known u. its not that im bitter but im hurt and i deserver better. i deserve more in life that selling myself short for u. why shuld i continue to give up parts of me to fill ur missing holes. why shuld i continue to pick up the phone? why shuld i continue to talk with you? im such a committed and faithful person but ur pushing me off the edge. i mean u say ull call but u dont. u say u want to keep sober and the frist few days after getting off of house arrest u go and u get hella faded. why do i need to listen to that? why should i just sit arond keeping on waiting? im tired of it. im so fricken tired. i feel as if everythings just been sucked out of me. and i just want it to end. things have gone to such shit that i cry at nights and i go to sleep saying to myself god if u loved me ud make it so i didnt wake up in the morning. whats the point now? under appreciated. unloved. worthless. tired. abused. im sick of everything. i dont smile i dont laugh. i get nothing out of life and life gets nothing from me. im so drained. so tired. so incredibly worthless out of it. im saying good bye and i mean it this time. i will not call u. i wont pick up my phone. ill block u from aim. ill still think of u every damn day. and ill always love u. and ill always care for u. but the next time u turn to me...i wont be there this time. the next time u think u can just come running back....thats too damn bad. u shulda done something when u had me. u shulda given a damn when it actually counted. u shulda thot better. u shulda done a hell of a lot more. and now its just too late. the email that id send to zeeyad if i had it in me. if i had it in me id do what the email says. if i had it in me i wulda walked away years ago. im so emotionally meshed with him. and im sick of it. it is time to let go. leave without telling him good bye or giving him a reason because he doesnt deserve it.

i see

poeticflow4life — 2005-11-24T12:11:22-05:00

i dont turn away. i cant. im still here for him. after promising myself to stay away from him. that same day he calls me. upset. crying. and now it's like......melissa no you cant leave me. i need you in my life. so here i am. faithful like always. faithful for six years. just like i know how.

pulling out my hair yet?

poeticflow4life — 2005-11-26T05:11:14-05:00

i do the stupidest things ever. i always look at abusive relationships and say god that girls stupid...if that were me id leave his ass behind so fast. well then why dont i? we're not dating but we might as well be married. its been 6 years. and its been one hell of a roller coaster. and last night. i cried. yet again. for another night. im honestly sick of it.....just like i normally am. we got into an actual fight last night. normally it's me getting mad at him...but last night we both had our share of words. and while i try to solve it by changing myself in order to help him....he solves it by taking to the bottle. and then this morning he suddenly doesnt remember shit. good for him. continuing to fuck things up more. and i cant help him anymore. im drained. and while i feel like i need to be there to help him....he's beyond help. i cant do this anymore. i cant sit around for another 6 years helping him while i drown in the background. and just goes to show i hate myself sometimes.

how i feel about this

poeticflow4life — 2005-12-21T06:12:45-05:00

i love him. but this sucks.

WOOOORD

poeticflow4life — 2006-01-06T12:01:30-05:00

sooo. once there was this guy. he was a cute guy. really friendly and sweet and funny. and there was this girl. she was heartbroken and sad and unhappy with the way her life was goin. they bumped into eachother one day at a safeway. he happened to work there. the girl walked into safeway unsuspecting, still in pjs, and messy hair. it was around 6 pm, but she had just waken up. she noticed the guy and he noticed the girl. they chit chatted here and there and flirted here and there. as the girl was leaving she looked into his eyes and in her mind said "i am so coming back here tomorrow". the next day happened and she went back. he remembered her and they chit chatted again. she decided she wanted to work there. to her suprise the guy was the hiring manager. that day was possibly tuesday. thursday the girl went back again, this time for an interview. it was suppose to be a short 1/2 hr question answer thing, but it ended up being an hour long conversation. the guy ended up asking the girl out to eat on monday at 4 30. by this time the girl hadnt been this pleased and happy in a loooong time. her winter break had been filled with love and sorrow and heartbreak. she decided it would be fun to give this guy a chance, but then also had to take into account that this guy would one day be her manager (on january 13th to be semi exact). so now this fairy tail ends for now. maybe ill keep ya alls updated on what happenes on the adventures of melissa and terell .

Hanging On Like It's All I Have

poeticflow4life — 2006-01-21T01:01:47-05:00

so my girls. i love them. honestly, theyre my everything. my sweetie pie, baby cakes, and honey bunch are my best friends. we have nick names for eachother. we do everything together. we're always together. they're always fricken there for me. and we all put up with eachother's many moods. we all get our periods at the same time too. haha. and when things just seem like i want them all to go away they are my sanity. they help me figure things out. theyre like..apart of my brain. theyre my sensible shoes. and they are all honest as all hell with me. so when they tell me that greg needs to shape up or ship out...i should be listening to them. but im not. i cant leave him. and it's killing them and killing me even more. it's not ruining our friendship. i never ever put him before them. of course my girls always come first. but they hate to see me hurting and i hate like feeling like this. and while it seems to simple and such an easy solution...for me to actual leave....is impossible for me to do. im too damn fucking faithful and committed. and while i put up with him and crap...i dont like to...but i do anyway. and while ive told him about three times that i was leaving...i always go back. i cant do it. im not strong enough...well i am....but i just refuse to do it. and here i am looking at it and it's so obvious that this is just a reapeat of my relationship with zeeyad. only difference is zeeyad lasted about....five years. and i refuse to let it go that long with greg. im sad hes graduating...but maybe thats a good thing. i dont know. i hang on to him as if hes the only one that would treat me so good. and at the same time...i need to cut the dingy loose. graduation is most depressing because baby cakes is graduating. god. now that's the most depressing thing ive thot of in forever. ugh. i want graduation to come...and yet i want it to stay away. jeeze. ive written too much.

and she shoots. she score. and then falls out again.

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-04T04:02:10-05:00

it's over. from....12-20-05 to 2-2-06. thats.....44 days? that's a hella long time for me. and the sad part. im still so much in love with him. im not sad, hurt, angery, disappointed or anything...at least not yet. i think my brain still needs to register it. but one this is for sure. ever after this. i still dont regret it. which is a very good thing. peace.

hhmm forgot about the melissa and terell updates!

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-04T04:02:43-05:00

so i hvnt blogged in forever. and i was readin my last entry before the last one i just wrote. sorry niffer i hvnt kept ya updated! terell kept on askin me out. and i wuld say yes. but then break it. and then i quit safeway cuz this other co worker was a perv and sexually harassing me. terell is still in the picture...he's jus under other picture.

whhhhaaaaat??? ooooohkay!

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-10T11:02:46-05:00

so maybe we weren't over? my bad. i thot by the words...."i want to be single and dont want to date".....actually ment that we were over. but aparently thats not what it means. it means....he was having confusing feelings but now hes not confused and wants to still be together. and it's cute. we're cute together. i was on a ladder today and he came up from behind me and put his arms around my waist and kissed me softly on the neck. IT WAS CUTE. i love him. i drive him crazy sometimes...he does a lot for me. im thankful. but yes. i love him. ugh. cant stop saying it. i love him. all i can think and say is we're cute together and i love him. watch us get into another fight and have me cry and get hurt and have everything be okay by morning. interesting how that works. love is blind. love is a funny thing. okay ill stop.

to be perfect

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-12T06:02:49-05:00

all i really want right now is to sit on my back porch in the sun reading as i lay dying with a nice cig to puff on and a case of beer to sip on.

and then he kissed me

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-14T02:02:33-05:00

so normally i honest to god hate vday. and i really thot up until a few hours ago that i wuld continue to keep on hating it. but then....after the peer helper thing chev and i were gonna go to chilies. i wanted another person to come so she tried to convice him. he jus played around with the idea. and we went for a lil walk as we talked. then i stole his keys and figured we'd jus meet by his car. i called him on his cell but someone else answered it and was givin me a hard time. then i called him again and he said he was hiding and for me to find him. i walked around in the cold at night alone in a skirt around the whole damn school and i culdnt find him. so i was upset and drove away. chev of course was still with me. so they're on the phone and he was pissed cause i didnt find him. i apparently had walked right by him. it was dark...he was wearin all black. so sue me if i culdnt see him. and then i unlocked his car and i sat in it and waited. he gets there. sees im in his car and jus leans on my car which is parked right there. i tell him to come here. he says no. i ask again and hes all frustrated. i tell him i wanna talk to him. he walks over. we talk. i say sorry. he cools down a bit. we star gaze and talk. we debate at what are stars and what are planes. then we look into eachother eyes. i didnt know if i wanted to laugh or cry because i wanted to kiss him but knew it wuldnt happen...yet really wishing it wuld. and then he kissed me. we kissed twice. soft. omg ever so soft. and i pulled away and said i miss you. he said...get back over here. i lean in. we just make out for a bit. and i honest to god melt right then and there. i love him and i love everything we do. vday has a reason....and it's him.

he cheated. fucking cheated. im defeated.

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-15T03:02:12-05:00

so basically on monday a girl came up to me and was like...oh yes...so and so (the guy) said..good night beautiful to courtney mckee. and im sitting there thinking...u know he and i like jus cut the dingy last week and im still in love with him...so why the fuck are u telling me this? i mean..honestly...if she were a true friend then she wuldnt say that to me at all. so i kinda jus pushed that aside and kinda ignored it. then i figured that everything was alrite cause last nite we made out and it was awsome and amazing. but then today for vday...he spent lunch and after school time with courtney. so...my vday sucked. terell had called me, texted me, and myspace messaged me...but i didnt get any of it until a few minutes ago. but yea. i dunno. im in love with one guy...but now. it's like. DONT FUCKING KISS ME IF UR JUS GONNA USE ME AND FUCK WITH MY HEART AND MY EMOTIONS AND MY HEAD CAUSE I DONT WANNA FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

harder than expected

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-16T02:02:55-05:00

so i was mad at him cause he cheated on me. or actually...has been cheating on me....a few times...for a while. and i decided i just wuldnt talk to him cause i was so pissed. we've been talking for the past...3 hours. every sentence we say to eachother....i just fall that much more in love with him all over again. and i know im just setting myself up for heart ache and pain. but damn it. i cant help it. i really love him. and just. ugh. i know im going to get hurt. if we fuck....im going to be pissed. let me just say that now. my mother just sat me down tonite and gave me a sex talk. and then she asked me if he and i have done it. and of course i said no. cause we havn't. but damn it. if we do. god. i know we prob will. and then ill get hurt. and then ill jus be lying to my mom. I FUCKING HATE HIM. this is the reason i hate him. the exact reason.

rawr

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-16T10:02:40-05:00

HE BIT ME. i cant believe it. but he did. he bit me. and actually drew blood. cannibal.

do you miss him?

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-17T09:02:53-05:00

he asked me a question and i tried to stay true. but instead i lied, what else could i do. standing there, lying, looking fine. inside my heart beating faster, goin double time. thoughts came rushing and i tried to keep it straight. entered this doomed to fail, i knew my fate. then he opened a wound that didnt quite heal. time to face the music and realize what was real. but even now im trying to forget. im still hurting, but avoiding regret. and while i have questions of my own i dont say a word. i let things move on and leave everything else blurred.

i dont want u to be disappointed

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-17T10:02:19-05:00

this is a voice message he left me once upon a time. melissa, its...its me. i..i..i didnt mean to do that. i swear to god. im so sorry. i dunno wat happened. i dunno wat i was thinkin. i dun want u to be disappointed in me. please. im crying. i dont wanna cry. please dont be disappointed in me. please. because i love u and i dont want u to be disappointed in me. it doesnt make me feel good. please. i love u. please. i want u to be happy. i have to go now. bye. i look at that now and i think...well now im the one crying. and i dont wanna cry either. and he says he he loves me and wants me to be happy...but that was obviously shit cause he hurt me and makes me unhappy. well it's unfair to say that he makes me unhappy. cause he still makes me happy. he makes me laugh and smile still. but he's jus screwin with my emotions now. but he does make me hurt. and i want to stop feeling this way. i want to get over it. but i guess i dont want it bad enuff cause im not doin it.

F.U. stands for more than Felix Ungar

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-18T01:02:22-05:00

so i told myself that i wuld not talk to him about courtney. i didnt want to know. i didnt want to hear it. i didnt want to realize the truth. didnt want to face reality. well. i shot myself in the foot. i did mention it. and now he's mad at me. he wont talk to me. i ask. where does he have any room to be mad at me? he cheated on me. he ended the relationship. he hurt me and he is the reason i stay up late crying. and he's mad at me because....why? he has no fucking reason to be mad at me. he is the one that decided to do this. i can't fucking believe he's mad at ME. ugh. fuck.

daddy made a funny

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-19T10:02:34-05:00

my dad gave him the nickname moose. two reasons why...one. he's big like a moose. two. from archies comic the character moose was big and not too bright and played football and dated midge who was small and had black hair. so yea. my parents called us the wanna be moose and midge. so i told my dad about moose and my falling out with him. and my dad was like...no one hurts my daughter...time to go moose hunting. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAD EVER HEARD IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE FRICKEN LIFE. well...not the funniest...but....it made me laugh a lot. haha. goofy.

2-18-06

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-28T03:02:19-05:00

dont even know what to say.

4th Period

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-28T09:02:00-05:00

was walking through the rain and all i wanted to do was wallow so tired of life's cold grey days, too hard for me to swallow and drops began to fall from my eyes like the rain falling from the sky i stopped wtih keys in my hand and just watched the time pass by standing there, waiting, dreaming, pretending. crying there, dying there, screaming, defending. i can't stop crying and youre the reason why to you i may be smiling faking it while i want to die and i dont even know if these tears are for you but youre the one that planted this pain inside

Caved In

poeticflow4life — 2006-02-28T11:02:36-05:00

so ive been good and clean for 5 months. and i was going good. but then today i caved. pass them cigs and vodka. it's a better way to self medicate...at least i think so. better than me drinkin a bottle of dayquil. right? hmmm. i feel...happy. i havent felt like this in....weeks. yay!

Last entry for the day...i swear.

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-01T12:03:19-05:00

wanna hear something funny? greg apologized to me. we were talking. i was upset cause my mom told me im not allowed to go to graduation cause instead i have to go to philly with my dad. i dont fucking want to go to philly. there will always be trips to philly...there is only one class of 06 graduation. no fucking way am i gonna miss casey's grad. anyway. i told him i was going for a drive cause i was upset and wanted to let it all out. so im about to leave and he says wait. so i wait. and then he asks me if i hate him. i say no. it's true. i dont hate him. i love him. well okay i lied. i do hate him. rite now i do at least. and then he says im sorry if i hurt u. i dont say anything to this. i was gonna tell him im not hurt, or that im okay, or that hurt is life, or some shit like that to make him feel better. but why the hell should i make him feel better? i feel like shit and im crying. so if he feels bad...well then damn it he should. so i didnt say anything. so he say. u can go for your drive now. so i just left without saying anything. honest to god tho. what good is an apology? he doesnt care about me. all he really cares about is himself. life is full of shit. and full of shit faced people....like him. manuel apologized to me today too. i didnt respond to that either cause it was shit. he said stuff he shouldnt have. hes a fuck ass and i dont like him anyway. so hes not really "deserving" of my acceptence. and then zeeyad apologized to me too. but then he was just an ass again. whatever. guys are asses. they're all just like my deceased dad...whom i hate also. guys are scum. they're the shit on scum. damn it. fuck. piss. shit.

Turn The Table

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-04T04:03:39-05:00

he's mad at me because "i messed things up"..."im the one making things so uncomfortable now". BULLSHIT. thats the biggest crap i ever heard. the way our relationship is now has nothing to do with what i did. he's the one that cheated on me. he's the one that decided to say stupid ass shit. he's the one that decided to lie to me. he's the one that is spending literally every second with a one night stand whore. none of that is my fault. the only thing that's my fault is the fact that i feel in love with him. the only thing that is my fault is the fact that i decided i still wanted to be friends. well fuck that. i dont want to be friends with a fucking shit head ass fucker like him. and yet he has the nerve to say he still cares about me. FUCKING BULLSHIT. this girl has moved on. she's moved on to the same guy that shes like for seven years. only difference is that for once he likes me in that special way too. im proud of him cause hes changed his life around so much. im happy. happy and without the ass fucker. and i thought life wouldnt move on. life is movin on jus fine without him. so he's left with his whore and bullshit. well i hope he's happy. and i hope she fucking breaks his heart. i am a firm believer in karma.

u dont mean anything to me. u cant change me.

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-06T04:03:08-05:00

SumThang(11:24:07 PM): and this is living proof i dont hate u rayduzfan(11:24:36 PM): i just feel that u hate me rayduzfan (11:24:40 PM): :-/ SumThang (11:24:44 PM): iii dont hate u SumThang (11:24:49 PM): i dunno y u feel that way rayduzfan (11:24:56 PM): :-( SumThang (11:25:08 PM): explain........ rayduzfan (11:25:52 PM): its hard to explain rayduzfan11:26:05 PM): and i dont wanna be stupid and say dumb things rayduzfan(11:26:13 PM): and ruin this great night for you rayduzfan(11:26:20 PM): so im just gonna keep quiet SumThang (11:27:11 PM): haha SumThang(11:27:12 PM): well SumThang (11:27:19 PM): my brother or dad culd die rite now SumThang (11:27:23 PM): and id still be happy SumThang(11:27:31 PM): so go ahead and be stupid and say dumb things SumThang(11:27:34 PM): cause id rather tho rayduzfan(11:28:58 PM): i dont know....everythingisdifferentnowandthatissomethingthatidontwantulookatmedifferentlyanditkillsmeiguess rayduzfan (11:29:06 PM): lol all together SumThang(11:29:37 PM): hahaha SumThang (11:29:39 PM): oh jeeze SumThang(11:29:40 PM): haha SumThang11:29:48 PM): so one of my myspace blogs that was written for u was written SumThang(11:29:55 PM): like that rayduzfan (11:31:03 PM): r u serious? rayduzfan (11:31:04 PM): lol rayduzfan(11:31:10 PM): how funny SumThang(11:31:12 PM): well it was more complexly written SumThang(11:31:23 PM): i put random letters between the words SumThang(11:31:30 PM): so that no one wuld ever figure out what i was saying rayduzfan(11:31:31 PM): uh oh rayduzfan(11:31:44 PM): i was going to go read it SumThang (11:31:48 PM): haha SumThang(11:31:51 PM): u wont understand what it says rayduzfan (11:31:52 PM): but now i know im going to be confused rayduzfan(11:31:54 PM): lol SumThang (11:32:01 PM): the title is read between the lines rayduzfan (11:32:26 PM): thats a beautiful dress rayduzfan(11:33:05 PM): thers no blog titled read between the lines SumThang(11:33:18 PM): there is too! SumThang(11:33:19 PM): it's from SumThang (11:33:46 PM): tues feb 28th rayduzfan(11:35:17 PM): so things are different this time around with u and him? rayduzfan (11:35:34 PM): he made u smile? SumThang(11:35:42 PM): yea rayduzfan (11:35:50 PM): hmm..i think i want $20 SumThang(11:36:14 PM): i know SumThang (11:36:15 PM): haha SumThang(11:36:17 PM): ull get it SumThang(11:36:21 PM): eventually rayduzfan(11:37:34 PM): the only blogs that i see here are: Get out and stay out, two way street, what to say about today, things get out of hand no one will understand, and now that the day is over SumThang11:37:46 PM): click view more blogs rayduzfan (11:37:57 PM): where the hell is that rayduzfan(11:38:04 PM): what the hell is that lol SumThang (11:38:12 PM): view all blog entries SumThang(11:38:13 PM): its under rayduzfan (11:38:14 PM): man i really dont know my myspace things SumThang (11:38:17 PM): now that the day is over rayduzfan(11:38:20 PM): oh yes i see SumThang(11:38:23 PM): haha SumThang (11:38:24 PM): yes rayduzfan(11:41:47 PM): no i cannot understand it rayduzfan (11:41:54 PM): but im guessing its not nice rayduzfan(11:42:01 PM): and im guessing that u hate me rayduzfan (11:42:07 PM): lol SumThang11:43:49 PM): haha SumThang(11:43:54 PM): i says the opposit SumThang (11:44:03 PM): it says SumThang (11:44:29 PM): dont mistaken my pain for anger SumThang(11:44:56 PM): and i wrote that BEFORE u started saying i hated u rayduzfan(11:47:13 PM): but im sure that u disliked me SumThang(11:47:21 PM): nope rayduzfan(11:47:56 PM): yeah im pretty sure rayduzfan(11:48:25 PM): thewaythatulookatmehurtsnow SumThang(11:48:29 PM): i didnt dislike u. i disliked the situation and that i got so close rayduzfan(11:48:36 PM): itseemslikeuputonafakesmile SumThang (11:48:37 PM): i dont look at u now SumThang (11:48:38 PM): thats the thing rayduzfan(11:48:40 PM): andthatkillsme SumThang (11:48:41 PM): i dont look at u SumThang(11:48:45 PM): i avoid u rayduzfan (11:48:56 PM): u look SumThang (11:50:03 PM): i try and avoid it rayduzfan(11:50:09 PM): when i see u, u put on this fake acknowledging smile that i know i forced upon u rayduzfan (11:50:17 PM): and it makes me feel terrible SumThang(11:50:41 PM): well SumThang(11:50:42 PM): i dont know rayduzfan (11:51:09 PM): and now that u and whatever his name is are getting closer im scared SumThang (11:51:26 PM): zeeyad rayduzfan(11:51:30 PM): i dont even know the guy rayduzfan(11:51:34 PM): but i hate him SumThang(11:51:43 PM): we'll u get to meet him march 30th rayduzfan (11:52:02 PM): whats march 30th? SumThang (11:52:34 PM): the musical rayduzfan(11:52:53 PM): im gonna tell him something SumThang(11:53:07 PM): what? rayduzfan (11:53:16 PM): i will let him know that if he touches you in a way to hurt you ever again i will kill him rayduzfan(11:53:23 PM): and have no remorse for doing it SumThang (11:53:42 PM): he wuld never phyiscally hurt me rayduzfan(11:53:43 PM): even if u hate me, i'll never hurt you SumThang(11:53:59 PM): and if he were to ever hurt me like emotionally SumThang (11:54:05 PM): im already prepared for it SumThang(11:54:08 PM): i know ill get hurt SumThang (11:54:10 PM): i already know that rayduzfan (11:54:32 PM): then why go for it? SumThang (11:54:40 PM): because people get hurt in relationships rayduzfan(11:54:49 PM): not 5 times rayduzfan (11:55:01 PM): not 5 times rayduzfan (11:55:09 PM): people learn and move on rayduzfan (11:55:15 PM): not go back SumThang(11:55:27 PM): ive learned from it rayduzfan(11:55:31 PM): it hurts me to know that hes back rayduzfan (11:55:35 PM): so u say SumThang(11:55:38 PM): maybe not the nrmal thing that people learn from things SumThang(11:55:39 PM): but i learned that SumThang (11:55:51 PM): if hes gonna go drink and get caught and gets sent away SumThang11:55:54 PM): then i have no conrtol over that SumThang(11:56:03 PM): if he decides to go with his guy friends and get into a physical fight SumThang(11:56:08 PM): i cant prevent that SumThang(11:56:43 PM): it's the things like that that he does taht hurts me SumThang (11:56:49 PM): but thats who he is SumThang(11:56:56 PM): hes not gonna stop drinking rayduzfan(11:57:16 PM): so ur in for a world of hurt rayduzfan(11:57:26 PM): your are opening that door that u tried to close rayduzfan (11:57:32 PM): ur walking into that world again SumThang (11:57:40 PM): the thing is i can handle his crap rayduzfan (11:57:42 PM): and its blinded u because he "apologized" rayduzfan(11:57:48 PM): and said he changed SumThang(11:57:56 PM): he didnt tell me he changed SumThang(11:58:03 PM): i can see that hes changed SumThang(11:59:13 PM): when zeeyad hurts me i get over it. when other people hurt me i dont get over it. SumThang(11:59:17 PM): thats the difference SumThang(11:59:20 PM): i can handle him SumThang(11:59:24 PM): thats what seven years does rayduzfan(11:59:57 PM): i dont want to see u hurt rayduzfan(12:00:00 AM): ever rayduzfan (12:00:11 AM): and if he hurts u in any way i will fucking kill him SumThang(12:00:25 AM): then hes a dead man walking rayduzfan (12:00:54 AM): i guess so

CHEERS!

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-11T05:03:45-05:00

i hate the taste of beer....but hey...it's alcohol. so. yes. CHEERS to all. bottoms up! post script....OH YES I SCREWED. life treats me good.

tango maureen

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-11T10:03:01-05:00

my mom is makin my head and heart ache. the colleges she assumes i cant possibly get into arent worth even looking at. gonzaga, drexel, and usc sent me stuff in the mail. without me even touchin the mail or makin comments my mom throws the stuff away. she says "oh ull never be able to get in anyway". and then shell see mail from like...de anza or foothill. shell leave that on the table and be like "oh thats more in range for u" WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MESSAGE IS THAT???" what the hell kind of feelin does that leave me with? shes my mother. shes suppose to be supportive. my parents are so not supportive. it's sad. i have to turn to friends and teachers for support that my family should be the ones to provide me with. im so hurt and so upset right now. for the next part of whats been on my mind. while i liked greg i also like calvin. things obviously didnt fly with greg...so i started to like calvin again. i was talkin to matt, one of calvins best friends, at the retreat for like an hour and a half. and he said he knows ive liked calvin ever since the day i met him. and its true. i really have liked calvin for a long time. matt and i talked for so long about so much and we kinda made a conenction. so i was like...hm maybe matt and i can have somethin special between us. and matt even talked about all the reasons why we shuld date. haha. it was funny. so i drove matt home last nite. not much happened. i jus kicked it with him for an hour. i dont wanna do anythin with matt cause i dont want calvin to hear drama and lies. matt said calvin wuldnt mind...but i know he wuld. anyway. today i was gonna hang with matt before he left for mandys. but instead i went to calvins for two hours. we watched part of nemo and fantastic four. and then stuff happened. everything i ever culda dreamed for. and no we didnt do it. it wasnt anything to do with any kind of sex. so people need to get their heads out of the gutter. haha. but for me kissing is a big thing. i wont kiss a guy. i cant bring myself to do it. ive made out with one guy before calvin. and thats cause i felt really special and different about the one guy. so the fact that i made out with calvin tells me something. it tells me that he is special and he is different too. but our school wuldnt allow it if we dated. i hate school. i hate school, i hate parents, i hate drama, i hate stupid ass shit. god hates me too. and if he doesnt hate me....he just spites me all the time.

so with a thousand sweet kisses

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-12T06:03:36-05:00

im still bent out of shape over yesterday. im like..what the hell. i let my guard down. cause i just dont go and do these things. i dont go over to guys houses and make memories with them. this kinda just kills me. cause. well. fuck. it wasnt suppose to happen. and it felt right eventho it was prob wrong. and i dunno if i regret it or not. but it wasnt me. it wasnt planned. it wasnt suppose to happen. and now im jus stuck and confused and dying. i have no idea how to analyze or conclude this. blah.

I HAVE NO LIFE

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-12T09:03:54-05:00

MONDAY, MARCH 13TH, 2006: 3-5 MUSIC TUESDAY, MARCH 14TH, 2006: 1:45-3 TECH, 3-6 DANCE. WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15TH, 2006: 3-5:30 ACT 1 THURSDAY, MARCH 16TH, 2006: 3-5 ACT 2, 7-9 MUSIC FRIDAY, MARCH 17TH, 2006: 3-5 TECH. TBA REHERSALS SATURDAY, MARCH 18TH, 2006: 10-1 MUSIC, 1-3 COSTUMES SUNDAY, MARCH 19TH, 2006: **POSSIBLE FREE DAY** MONDAY, MARCH 20TH, 2006: 3-5:30 RUN THRU TUESDAY, MARCH 21ST, 2006: 3-5:30 RUN THRU WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22ND, 2006: 3-5:30 RUN THRU THURSDAY, MARCH 23RD, 2006: 3-6 RUN THRU FRIDAY, MARCY 24TH, 2006: 3-5 TECH SATURDAY, MARCH 25TH, 2006: 10-4 FULL CAST SUNDAY, MARCH 26TH, 2006: 12-6 FULL CAST MONDAY, MARCH 27TH, 2006: 5-10 HELL WEEK TUESDAY, MARCH 28TH, 2006, 5-10 HELL WEEK WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29TH, 2006: 5-10 HELL WEEK THURSDAY, MARCH 30TH, 2006: 5-7:30 OPENING NIGHT. *BDAY* FRIDAY, MARCH 31ST, 2006: 5:30-7:30 PERFORMANCE SATURDAY, APRIL 1ST, 3:45- 8 DINNER THEATER SUNDAY, APRIL 2ND, 1-4 STRIKE.

I Keep On Running Back To Him

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-15T03:03:00-05:00

But I'd Die Without You Current mood: ecstatic Category: Blog for Zeeyad i know it's happened in the past...but this is the worst shape i've ever been in when i turned to u. maybe it's cause i had just gotten out of rehersals and was dead beat tired. or maybe it's cause my hair was a mess and my clothes were frumpy. or maybe it was because my eyes were red and tears were streaming down my face. well...no matter how i came to you...i left differently. you sat me on the front porch and you dried my tears with ur sleeve. u held me close and held on tight and did all you could to comfort me. u told me there was nothing wrong with me and that some people are just inconsiderate and stupid. u took me inside to wash my face. u even let me use ur towel. haha. then we just sat in ur bed. my tears were gone, but u culd tell i was still a lil on the sad side. i watched breakfast club for the first time. u deciphered the censored lines for me. i love watching movies with u cause we both add side commentary. haha. u let me rant and rave about hustle eventho u really had no idea what i was trying to babble about. we sat outside as u had a smoke and we laughed about ur creepy neighbor who plays with his lights and peeks out at the world. we came to the conclusion that he was just old and grumpy. and then u told me u culdnt wait to be old cause then that culd be ur excuse for being grumpy. haha. we went back inside and we started to watch bruce almighty. we laid there close and i plucked out ur stomach hair. hahahaha. then came the tickling wars. i loooooove when i tickle u and u laugh ur goofy laugh. haha. i laugh just thinking about it. hahahaha. haha. haha. ha. we just laid there, so peaceful, with my head on ur cheast and my right hand over ur heart. my left hand was over my heart and i felt our hearts beat as one. it was perfect. lying there was just perfect. u went out for another smoke. u gave me ur sweater to keep me warm. then u took my car for a spin. we got lost for about...15 mintues. haha. DIP, STOP, BUMP, DIIIIIP. lots of laughs. it was great. then we went back to ur room and continued bruce almighty. u looked me in the eye and told me u were gonna stop drinking. i looked u right back in the eye and said it's not going to be easy. part of me didnt believe u....jus cause uve said it before and i know u talk a nice walk. but another part of me believes that this time around ull walk the walk. we'll see. i had to go pee. as i was washing my hands i looked into the mirror. i looked horrible. despite my wrecked appearance u still convinced me i was beautiful. i'd die without u. when i need shelter from the storm u always open the door. there have been rocky times between us...but like u said....some relationships are like that...it just takes work. and thru it all....all sixish years...i still love u. thank u. thank u for making me smile, laugh, and forget my pain. thank u for drying my tears and being there for me. like i said six months ago...it's the times like these that i live for. it doesnt matter what happens to me in life just as long as times like these are around. so who cares i was three hours late for curfew. it was worth it. every second was worth it...even when u elbowed me in the head. it hurt...but it still made me laugh. haha. this was good. this was great. ur great. okay...ill stop writing.

Fuck This Fucking Bull Fucking Shit

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-17T02:03:15-05:00

once there was this girl.... the beat of insanity that just pulses thru her veins the pain that rushes through like when it rains the angry voice of disappointed sighs the shameful look of eyes that shine with lies the struggle of defeat every time she tries this girl has given up on the last bit of hope this girl has finally run out of her end of the rope what comes up must come down i hate coming home to something broken and impossible to fix. one of these days im going to leave and never come back. THE END. post script. thank god for alcohol.

March 17th, 2006

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-18T02:03:31-05:00

ive known robert ever since kindergarden. we both liked eachother....but it was fricken elementary school. we showed it by him bullying me and me chasing him around the playground. haha. we've changed sooo much...or actually...not really. girls still have cooties and boys are still disgusting. haha. but yea. today i had dinner at his dads house. i met his dad, dads gf, grandma, aunt, uncle, and dog. good thing his family likes me and i like his family. after dinner we were laying in his bed and he asked me to be his gf. i said yes. so now i have a boyfriend. now i have to remember the 17th cause it's the anniversary date. freaky, huh. me...dating...having a boyfriend. it's so strange...but i love it. and i love him. and he loves me. and we're a happy family....with a great big huh. haha. noooow i just have to warm him up to my parents.....impossible. oh well. im in a relationship. WOW. haha.

Lovers

poeticflow4life — 2006-03-20T02:03:58-05:00

im not use to having a guy like me like robert does. he always want to be with me or talkin to me or holdin me. hes always sayin i love u and how much i mean to him and how perfect we are for eachother. he thinks we're gonna last really long. like...we're really really ment for eachother. is it a bad thing that i dont agree? i mean...im use to a relationship where the guy is a fuck ass to me or cheats on me or is going to hurt me big time. in past relationships i havent spent time with the guy or spent time talkin to him. i talk to robert everyday. and have ya seen how many myspace comments we leave eachother? yea. ive also already met his family. his dad loves me and is so glad that robert has found me and hopes we last. ugh. i love robert. i really do. but i think it sucks that im already wanting to back out of the relationship just because he cares for me so much. my policy is to stick with them for at least a week before i consider dumping the guy. cause like...maybe in the period of a week ill end up really lovin the guy and wantin to stay with him. we'll see in five more days how i feel. i mean. i do really love him. and damn it i do deserve a guy thatll treat me rite like he does. but. im so fucking not use to it. he wuld never yell at me or hit me. but thats what im comfortable with. bad, isnt it? well. hm. i love him so much but dont show it. and he loves me sooo much, and shows it, and i dont know how to respond or react. UGH. but i do love him...hmmm...damn it. i love him. i hope this works.

fuck racism

poeticflow4life — 2006-04-04T04:04:19-05:00

i liked a guy. and i thot he liked me. flirting and all that shit. well. after pretending to be my friend and all...turns out...HE'S FUCKING RACIST. what the hell kinda crap is that? bullshit. i fucking hate being asian. damn it. pecola wanted the bluest eyes...well damn it i want white skin with bigger eyes that dont squint asian like. I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF RITE NOW. actually ive been pissed off for two days now about this. ugh.

have nto written in a while...

poeticflow4life — 2006-05-08T12:05:01-05:00

okay. here's the new one.

Name: Jeff

Age: 20

Location: Fremont

Interests: Dirt Bikes, Trucks, Laughs, Fun Free Times

Smokes: Anything

Drinks: Everything. (loves Fiji water. haha)

Reason why I've fallen for him: He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel safe, hes different and crazy and i love it. yea, i lover him and it drives me crazy. a lil scared but mostly happy. YAY!

Aside from being drunk

poeticflow4life — 2006-05-10T03:05:12-05:00

so my parents are out of town. so of course i get durnk. and of course my bf is over. along with other people. but seriously. jeff and i have talked about marriage and babies and yea. i seriously can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. i culd see myself moving in with him. and jsut being happy. I'M ALSO FUCKING DRUNK RITE NOW. which i really shuldnt be doing cause i have school tomorrow along with a fucking hella big project. out.

Possibilities?

poeticflow4life — 2006-05-21T04:05:06-05:00

so my profile pic....that's a picture of me and my boyfriend jeff. we've been going out for about...two weeks. feels like forever though. he's 20. my mom actually approves of him. there's just so much about him that i love. i'm comfortable around him and can just see myself spending like...the rest of my life with him. and it's funny that he feels that connection too. the major DILEMA. his name is..... michael. yup. so the problem is. i love jeff. but before jeff i liked herlein for about three or four months. i never told herlein cause i was afraid. so i told myself id move on. and i thot that being with jeff wuld move me along. and it kinda did. cause i am really happy. but in the back of my head is...what about herlein? what if i gave it a chance? and so last night i was with my boyfriend and other people...including herlein. jeff hates herlein cause he thinks ima cheat on him with herlein. so that's not good. but today, while i was having a down day, all i wanted to do was be with herlein. great, huh? i dont really know what to do. i already to herlein that i like him, but im not going to leave jeff for him. i already told myself that if the relationship is going to end it's gonna be because jeff fucked it up or jeff wanted to end it. so, we'll see. i guess i'll just wait around and see about everything....below is herlein and me at the awards thing.

monster vs. convict

poeticflow4life — 2006-06-15T12:06:47-05:00

michael or zeeyad?

forget guys

poeticflow4life — 2006-06-17T05:06:37-05:00

forget about guys...they've become the least of my problems. im trying to move out of my house. i need help finding a place to re locate and also a job. i no longer have a car or cell phone either...but i guess those come after being able to get a job. im i a ditch and need as much help and advice as possible. eek!

wow

poeticflow4life — 2006-06-22T11:06:22-05:00

wow. three. what the crap. whew.

dont kill the messanger

poeticflow4life — 2006-07-31T12:07:41-05:00

aj and i have been talking sooo much lately. cause herlein likes me, but he wont ask me out. i want to say it's frustrating. but. i dont know. i like him enough to not give up and im willing to wiat, but it's still hard. so. that's the biggest update i guess.

My Own Muse

poeticflow4life — 2006-09-22T10:09:44-05:00

am i dead to u
jus cause i culdnt do
everything u ever wanted me too?
r u that disapointed in me?
cause thats all i can see
and all those things i culdnt be.
i culdnt be ur shining star,
cuz i culd never get that far,
or ever reach that bar;
the one u had set so high.
all i guess i did was get by.
but now i cant even try.
it's like every goal was crushed
cuz i culdnt do things while rushed.
and now my tears u want hushed.
i guess u cant stand the sound.
jus know im beat to the ground
and i feel like ive totally drowned.